Gay Guy with a Girlfriend: What Should I Do?? (Bi / Gay Story - Part 25)

After my girlfriend nearly caught me in bed with a dude, I've decided to not to take any more chances. I enjoy hanging out with my girlfriend but we're going to live 2,000 miles apart for 6 months so I'm hoping the distance will help me decide whether I should keep experimenting with her or not.

Cornered and Asked if I'm Gay. The Next Day was Bizarre. (Bi / Gay Story - Part 23)

 "Are you Gay?" - No one has ever asked me that before. When it happened, I didn't expect it. I had to think fast! Now that I've answered, I'm in a weird and totally unexpected situation.

Gay, Closeted & Drunk: an Unexpected Gay Bar Tour in London (Bi / Gay Story - Part 22)

Although I'm gay and in the closest, I've been experimenting with being out while traveling alone in Europe. I had kind of a crazy night in London last night - but this morning was genuinely STUNNING. This was not what I expected when I came to London.

First Time: Hook-Up in a Gay Club (Bi / Gay Story - Part 21)

It's 30 minutes before closing time and everyone is pairing up to go home together, probably for gay sex.  

I've barely talked to anyone in the few gay clubs I'd been in and no one tonight.  Now, all of a sudden, this guy I've never seen before is asking me to leave with him.  

I'm very nervous but I think I'm going to say yes.

Gay at Night Experiment (Bi / Gay Story - Part 20)

 After coming out to one gay friend when he came out to me, I'm still 99.9% in the closet. But I'm going to try an experiment when I travel alone for two weeks in Germany, Austria and England. No one will know what I'm doing and I can't wait!

 

 

Gay Bars are Scary! / Life and School Update (Bi / Gay Story - Part 19)

I'm 19, gay and in the closet. Last summer, I made a gay friend at work, Omed. When he came out to me, I came out to him (part 18). This summer we're working together again and Omed is determined to get me into some gay bars so I can see what they're like. Um...scary! 

Gay Miracle / School Field Hook Up / College Year Two (Bi / Gay Story - Part 18)

 Here's part 18 of my bi / gay story, a summary of all the gay stuff that's happened to me over the past several months. The two biggest things were completely unexpected and really quite shocking for me!

 

Gay College Hook-Up / First Year Highlights (Bi / Gay Story - Part 17)

Gay college hook-ups are hot, right? 

I really wanted to meet someone but I'm firmly in the closet. I had to find a creative but safe way to do it.

 

Secret Gay Crush Confrontation + Not Joining the LGBT Club (Bi / Gay Story - Part 16)

 I finished my first three months of college, now I'm back home for break. 

My high school was still in session so I went back to see some people. I ended up having one of the most awkward face-to-face conversations ever! 

Also, for a solid minute I thought about joining my college's LGBT club.

 

The Win-Win Solution for Struggling Bi-Married Men - Conclusion

There are two parts to the "win-win" solution for struggling bi-married men, one part for each possible win.

Here is a short summary of the steps necessary to obtain the first win, as outlined in this post:

1. Recognize that your hidden bisexuality, and all the baggage that comes with it, affects your ability to have open, honest and intimate relationships with others, most especially with your wife.  The need to hide the truth causes you to be much more guarded, withdrawn and difficult to connect with than you otherwise would be.
2. Initiate a conversion with you wife wherein you tell her that you have realized you've been more distant from her than you want to be; tell her that you are want a much more intimate connection.  Work with her to create an intimacy plan that will work for both of you.  That might include coming out to her as bisexual, but not necessarily.  It's an option that would remove a major barrier between you, however staying in the closet is viable too - you just have to work that much harder to foster intimacy without being 100% truthful.
3. Dedicate yourself to implementing the intimacy plan.  The "win-win" will not work unless you are sincere about seeking emotional and sexual fulfillment with your wife.  Your efforts and attention should be warmly welcomed by her. As such, you should genuinely enjoy spending more time together and you should have more and better sex; intimacy is a huge turn-on for women.
4. After an initial honeymoon phase, you may fall back into old habits.  The "win-win" is not a flip-the-switch solution.  Whenever you start to feel less connected to your wife, you need to proactively renew your intimacy pledge with her.  You won't find enduring happiness in any relationship unless you're able to easily reconnect, even when other pressures get in the way.
5. Accept your bisexuality for what it is and enjoy who you are.  Reconnecting with your wife on a deep and intimate level should be so emotionally and sexually rewarding that your interest in men should wane somewhat.  But it will never disappear, nor should you want it to.  Denying or repressing one's bisexuality does not work.  Whenever you have the urge to fantasize about men, do it, unless you're having sex with your wife.  When you're with her do everything you can to be "in the moment" and focused on her.
6. Give this first part of the "win-win" time to work.  A full year is ideal.  It's crucial that your determination to make this option work be unquestionable, either by you or your wife.  Time, sincere effort and raw determination are what will make this solution successful.

The purpose of the first phase of the "win-win" is to feel happy and fulfilled as a bisexual man.  That means feeling so pleased with yourself and your relationships that your sexuality is no longer an issue.  A natural by-product of being happy is that you no longer feel compelled to cheat.  Blogger Sean explains how that happened for him:

"I'm seeing things so much clearer now. I know the journey is still long, and for guys like me, always difficult. I know, BELIEVE me.  But I believe in what we have. My heart is hers, my mind is hers. I'm no longer tempted to stray."

Sean found fulfillment with his wife.  (Yeah Sean!)  But what if you try (and try and try) and it's just not happening for you?

Then it's probably time to move on to Part Two of the win-win...

The Second Win

The "win-win" solution is for struggling bi-married men.  It's for men who aren't sure whether their marriage will ever be satisfying enough for them; it's for men who often feel consumed by their attraction to other men.

The first phase of the "win-win" is a balls-to-the-wall challenge that pushes you to your limits.  Can your marriage ever be satisfying enough for you?  You must go 'all out' in order to find out.  Can you feel fulfilled without connecting with men?  The only way to be certain is to stop pursuing them and instead focus on your wife.

If you do these things with fierce determination it shouldn't take long before the fog of uncertainty lifts.  Either you'll find that successfully reconnecting with your wife is satisfying, or, you won't.

The focus of the second "win" is on turning a failure to reconnect with your wife into a permanent, positive change in how you feel about yourself and your attraction to men.  It's about moving past uncertainty and finding enduring happiness.

The first step is to acknowledge and accept that your straight monogamous marriage is never going to satisfy you.  Never.  Coming to terms with that fact should be empowering, because, instead of being bogged down by doubt and uncertainty, you will realize that one of two things must be true about you: either you are gay and not bi, OR, you are bi but you MUST have regular, intimate contact with men.

When a man realizes he is gay and not bi that is usually a watershed moment.  After years of denial, anxiety and uncertainty, he's suddenly filled with confidence and purpose.  Men in this situation tend to move quickly and decisively to change their lives because they finally know who they are and what they want.  Their struggle as a bi-married man is over.

The other outcome is just as empowering because it means you no longer wonder IF you can be happy without men in your life, but rather, HOW you can include them.  There are only two ways to satisfy that need, either you're open about it or you're not.

Asking for an Open Marriage

Normally when a marriage has an intimacy problem, there are two different explanations as to why: His Story and Her Story.  Because the couple can't agree on who's at fault, nothing ever gets resolved.  Instead, they declare an unspoken truce and thereafter avoid the subject.  With no communication, the marriage slowly becomes less and less sexual, and the less sex there is, the more distant the partners get from one another.

The first phase of the "win-win" changes this dynamic.  It forces the partners to communicate, to create a plan and to be sure that plan is being implemented.  As a result, if it is not successful, the cause is not a mystery.  There is no His Story and Her Story, there's only The Story - the tale of how one or both of you was never really able to step up to the plate.

When fault is clear and both partners understand that the marriage will never have a satisfying, intimate sexual bond, there is no better time for a struggling bi-married man to ask for an open marriage.  To understand why this is true you have to think about the situation from the wife's perspective.  Just as open communication and repeated failures to connect have convinced the struggling bi-married man that his marriage alone will never be fulfilling, those same factors have convinced his wife of the same thing.  Faced with that fact, her choices are the same as his: either divorce and hope someone better turns up, slog along and find fulfillment in other ways (often through children, work, friends and/or family), or, keep the good aspects of what they have and look for someone on the side.  When the options are presented in this way, most straight wives prefer to slog along.  However, once they witness their husband's extended struggle first-hand, and they see that he cannot find fulfillment within the marriage, an astounding number of straight wives will accept an open relationship.  Their philosophy is: as long as they get to keep the good aspects of their married life, everything else is negotiable.

I have come to this conclusion after spending the last 18 months learning as much as possible about the attitudes of straight wives.  To be clear, straight wives cannot be lumped into a single-minded group.  They have diverse opinions about their marriages, their husbands and their husbands' attraction to men.  But one quality they all seem to have in common is that they're extremely pragmatic.  When faced with a challenging situation, very few of them fall to pieces.  Armed with the facts, most straight wives are quick to see to the heart of the matter and to decide how much they're willing to compromise in order to maintain their marriage.  Money, stability and the fear of having to start a new life are all reasons why an amazing number of them will permit an open marriage. Also, just as bi-married men don't want to start all over and have to explain what's happened to their kids, family and friends, neither do straight wives.  So as crazy as it might seem, looking the other way is often a straight wife's least painful option.  No action on their part is required, and because they know the limitations of their marriage, they don't feel like they're giving anything away that they could have for themselves.  This makes the emotional cost of permitting affairs relatively low.

Other Outcomes

As I said, not all straight wives are the same.  Some of them will never, ever, under any circumstances accept an open marriage.  They don't care if their marriage will never be fulfilling, they intend to slog it out and they will only accept the same from their husband.  Some bi-married men solve this problem by secretly cheating.  Others slog it out.  And a third group slogs it out until they decide that getting a divorce is the lesser evil.

Another possible outcome is unconditional support by the straight wife when her husband comes out as bisexual.  Yes, it's true.  Some wives LOVE their bi-husband and they'll defend them and their sexuality with tremendous passion.  I think they do this because of love, but also because, once they understand that they can't meet all of their husbands needs, they can either view themselves as unworthy or unattractive women, OR, they can chalk up their imperfect marriage to their husband's struggle with bisexuality.  I should also mention that, as a general rule, the women who feel this way have pretty good marriages which is why they fight to keep them.

The "Losing" Outcome That Isn't A Loss
 
If a man pursues the "win-win" it's possible that his inability to intimately reconnect with his wife will cause her to decide to leave him.  A wife might also decide to leave because she doesn't believe her husband will stay monogamous, or, because she doesn't want to be married to a man who is sexually attracted to other men.

The fear of being rejected by their wives is the primary reason most struggling bi-married men want to stay in the closet.  Having been though the experience of being rejected by my wife, I have to say that it sucks - and not in a good way.  It really hurts to be pushed aside by someone you've been married to for a long time, even when the marriage is far from perfect.

It's taken me more than a year to adjust my new single status and I know I have more growing pains ahead.  The thing is, no matter how much being rejected hurt, the facts are: it happened, it cannot be changed, and I had no choice but to adapt.  I suppose I could remain bitter and angry for the rest of my life, but that wouldn't change anything.  So, as painful as the transition has been, I know I will be happier in the long run.  Although I continue to struggle with starting a new life, I KNOW I don't want to be with a woman who doesn't love me enough to fight to keep me.

The bottom line is, the fear of rejection should not prevent anyone from trying to make the most of their marriage by implementing the "win-win."  If it doesn't work as expected, then your marriage was obviously not what you thought it was.  Once that lesson is learned, it's better to move on sooner rather than later.

What's Special about the Win-Win and Why It Works

On the surface, the "win-win" might seem unoriginal.  Some have said it's no different than trying to pray away the gay.  Although it's true that phase one might seem that way because it's all about trying to find genuine fulfillment with your wife, phase two makes it so much more than that.

The reason some bi-married men struggle is because they're afraid of the unknown.  Some worry whether they might really be gay, and if they are, what that would mean to their families and to their existing life.  Others worry that they can never be honest with their wives because the truth would have a permanent, disastrous impact on them, their wife and their family.

What's special about the "win-win" is that it eliminates uncertainty, and it does so without triggering disaster.  For those men who fear they might be gay, the "win-win" asks them to step up to the challenge, to go all-out to woo their wives.  If they're bisexual they should be able to make a good connection.  If they're gay, they're never going to be satisfied with a woman as a life partner.  Either way, the uncertainty is gone and a happy resolution is found.

For men who fear telling their wife they are bisexual, the "win-win" does the telling for them, but it does so in a non-threatening way.  Usually, struggling bi-married men who want an open marriage fight a long battle within themselves to keep that desire hidden.  When they lose that battle they're often emotionally exhausted and that causes them to blurt out the desire to their wife.  Because they're caught off-guard and because the news feels like a personal rejection of them, straight wives almost always react with anger and hurt.  The confession makes them feel undesired, unworthy, used, lied to, and tricked, among other bad things.  When a man blurts out that he wants an open marriage, the response is almost never positive.

In comparison to the "blurt out," the win-win is a very gradual process.  The initial promise to rekindle the couple's intimate connection and the requirement that the struggling bi-husband constantly communicate provide the straight wife play-by-play coverage of her struggling husband's journey.  This means that when the promised intimate connection fails to materialize, she already has a good understanding of what's going on.  She won't necessarily know that her husband is attracted to men, but she will know that the couple's intimacy problem lies with her husband and not with herself.  That information is fundamental.  As I explain above, once straight wives know the facts, most of them are willing to negotiate just as long as they get to keep the aspects of the marriage that they like.


Two Warnings

Now that I've spent a great deal of time thinking about the win-win and writing it up, I doubt any reader will actually try it.  However, for the sake of any struggling bi-married man who might take the "win-win" seriously, I feel compelled to issue two warnings:

1.  Do not attempt the win-win if your goal is to "get" your wife to accept an open marriage.  Although trickery can sometimes work, I have found that most straight wives know bullshit when they see it.   Being lied to and tricked does not make them happy.  The only way the "win-win" works is if the first phase is pursued with vehemence, persistence, and sincerity.  Women are extremely sympathetic to men who try their hardest and fail.  They are not at all sympathetic to manipulative assholes.

2. Do not attempt the win-win without telling your wife what you're trying to do.  One of the fundamental premises of the win-win is that women will negotiate problem areas of their marriage IF they know all the facts.  If you don't tell your wife that you want a more fulfilling, intimate connection with her, and that you are going to work your ass off to make that happen, she's going be very suspicious of your sudden interest in her.  More importantly, if rekindling the intimate connection fails, she needs to know that you were doing your very best and there is no possibility that "things" will magically improve in the future.  Basically, the win-win works because it makes the husband's struggle visible to the wife without laying the blame at her feet.  In order for that happen, the effort needs to be announced and regularly discussed.

Conclusion

I'm glad to finally get this posted.

Any questions, comments or complaints?

Thanks for reading!

A "Dirty Trick" Marriage - Part Two

In my last post I shared a straight wife's frustrations with her probably-gay husband and their crumbling marriage. 

Unfortunately, I didn't know any background information about her or her husband so it was difficult to put what she said in context.  The lack of context, I think, was vexing for a number of readers too, at least judging by their comments.  Since many of us seemed to be grasping at straws I decided to contact the woman and ask her more about her situation.

Here's what she originally said:

Seven years ago, and three months after the birth of my third child, my husband told me he cheated on me with a man. Four years before that he had done the same thing, "but not all the way."  Both times, after much crying and begging on his part, I took him back.  After the second time we talked about his attraction to men and how it had been there for years.  We also saw a marriage counselor.  Within two years our sex life dwindled to nothing. By then he had quit therapy, and no matter what I did, our relationship just got worse.

Last Spring my hours at work got cut so I was making a lot less money.   Pretty soon we fell behind on our bills. In the Fall, when he realized how bad our finances were, he said he wanted a divorce. What a slap in the face! After all I had forgiven NOW he was done?!?

His mother was sure he was cheating on me. I asked him if that was true, over and over again, but he kept telling me, no, and I was over-reacting.  He still lives at home but he spends almost no time there, unless he has to watch the kids because I'm working.  Well, last Friday I found a Valentine's Day card from his "lover" along with gay porn and a bunch of condoms. I feel like the last 10 years was a dirty trick. I immediately called him on it but first I made copies of the love letter.

One thing that makes me so mad is that I have defended him to both of our families.  He says that I'm the problem because I'm bad with money.   The reality is that, if I had known what a liar and a cheat he was, we wouldn't have been married last summer anyway.  After I showed him the Valentine's card he finally admitted that he was having an affair and that it started more than 11 months ago.  He also told me that he has gone on vacation with this man and he has had sex with him in our home with our children asleep. I am so angry, I can't sleep. I am sad for my kids because they think we have a great family. The poor things don't even know about the divorce yet.  After all that he has done to me I don't even want to look at him.

C (41 yr old mother of three kids, ages 12, 9 and 8.)

Here's what "C" said in response to my questions.  As with her first post, I've done some minor editing to try to make her stream-of-conscious writing style easier to follow.

I fell in love at 20 and stayed there. He didn't want sex. That was very painful, but before he started having the high blood pressure and medication to excuse no sex, we had it. Until 6 years ago it was 2-3 times a week. I didn't bitch about that!


The first time there was a man issue, he was on a bike ride, came back and said he got a blow job in the park from a total stranger...after a great deal of talk/therapy/advise from clergy we moved on. This was about 8 yrs into our marriage, with no kids at the time. Then the next time he did anything (according to my info) was not for another 6 years.  At that time, we were open and talking about it. I believe there are people who are attracted to both sexes and I was under the impression he was one of them. After the adultery confession 6 years ago, he did probably did manipulate me a little, however, what I worried about were the three very young children we had.  The oldest was only four at the time.


I can remember thinking, "I've got to keep this together until our oldest at least is in school...for my sake as well as our kids."  Now our youngest is in 2nd grade so I guess I met that goal.


I stayed for the kids and for religious reasons.  I believe that we made a forever commitment.  However, I thought he was being more honest with me than he was.  Six years ago I thought he fell off the wagon, so to speak.  I thought it would be another one-time fling and we'd deal with it, just like the first time.  Another thing he said was the reason we didn't have sex was impotence, not because he was gay.


I will say this, I honestly think that he hates himself. I think he down deep is decent and good. In the last three years, however, I have seen changes in him.  I think something had to have happened.  I don't know what it was or think it matters at this point.  I do know that I wouldn't have been attracted to him if this was how he was when we met.


Another thing about me is that I don't make commitments lightly. I never have. I have always been loyal to a fault.  This is one doozy of an example!


Over the first 15 yrs of our marriage, he was my best friend. I would have said it until 2 yrs ago. He would say that I was his best friend until 4 yrs ago. He is the one who walked away from me.  First emotionally, then with his whole person.


I hope my husband pulls his head out of his ass.


Do you know people who don't live up to their potential? That's him. He will run out and help someone with a broken down car anytime, anywhere. I can't tell you how many times we've stopped and he's fixed someone else's flat tire. I'm the oldest of four siblings and each of them have lived with us for more than a year, at different times, to help get them on their feet. He shovels driveways for old ladies. This is why it's been easy to stay. We don't fight. We enjoy the same tv shows and we have kids in common. It has been easy to stay. It will be hard to end this marriage. Our lives have been tied together since we've been kids. I'm scared of the changes. BUT I am also excited. I wonder what kind of a person I will be able to become without the stress and the feelings of failure that have been with me for the last 14+ years.


I am a zombie mom right now...but I see there will be a better me in the future.

"C" originally caught my attention because she said her marriage was a 10 year "dirty trick."  But she also seemed to contradict herself by saying that she'd been aware of her husband's attraction to men for many years.  So which was it? Was her husband a lying, cheating scumbag?  Or, did she really the play trick on herself by making excuses for behavior that her husband was honest about?

Now that I know more about their situation, I'm convinced that this is a typical, messy mixed orientation marriage.  Both spouses know what's going on, but for a variety of reasons (like love, religious beliefs and concern for their children) they choose to ignore their underlying problems.  The marriage works (well enough) until it doesn't work any more.  Marriages like this usually end when the husband gets caught cheating or when he falls in love with another guy.

These situations are a sad, no-win mess for straight wives.  In this case, as in many others, love IS blind, but love does not conquer all.  She takes care of the kids, loves her husband with all her heart, and cherishes her family.  But the fact is, it doesn't matter what she does.  Once he emotionally withdraws from her, the marriage enters the realm of the living dead.

Those are some of my thoughts.  What are yours?  Specifically I'd like to know what closeted gay and bi men, as well as their straight wives, can learn from this situation.

Struggling Bi-Married Men and their Wives

Below are two examples of men who have successfully reconnected with their wives in spite of their strong sexual attraction to other men.

These stories show that some struggling men can find happiness by implementing the first part of the "win-win."

---

Story Two - No Regrets

An email exchange on a listserv for bi-married men:

Man One:

Well it's been about 5 weeks since I revealed my bisexuality to my wife and it seems that she cannot get enough sex. Just wondering if any other guys had similar experiences post disclosure and if their wife's increased sex drive lasted.

Man Two:

I say the same thing happened to me, I think part of it was almost relief that it came out. Its been 4 years and the honeymoon phase still going on

my wife initially had nothing less than a thermo-nuclear meltdown. After about 4 weeks, it became insatiablity at its finest. Our sex life really blossomed, and I think it was for a couple of reasons:

1. she feels closer to me because I have told her my innermost secret and darkest truth. She knows me through and through to a degree that other couples can only aspire

2. while I told her about my days in college when I played with guys, I have done nothing in our 12 years together with another man. [not for lack of fantasy, I will tell you that!!!] However, it has opened a new door to sexual exploration for us. We are still monogamous, but the things we do in bed have taken a turn and we have broken free of the rut that so many couples begin to find themselves after years of monogamy.

there comes a time in every bisexual man's life when he must be true to himself. He cannot just dream it or pretend it away; if he is married, then he owes it to himself AND his wife to be open and forthright about the who and the what he is. Either she will stay, or she will leave, but either way, you will be honest to yourself and therefore ultimately happier.

It's easy for me to say all this in hindsight, but I can also tell you that I was a mental and emotional rollercoaster until I came OUT to my wife. It was hard for awhile; lots of tears, lots of yelling, lots of anxiety. However, once the dust settled, I would never go back to pre-OUT. I'm bi and it makes no difference in my work or my parenting skills. But I will tell you, it makes all the difference in my self-esteem, self-worth, and self-respect.

Story Three - Transformation

Below is a married, closeted man's story, as told in his own words.

This first quote is him ruminating on his options as he struggles with his long-term marriage.

I am having a hard time wrapping my head around this concept of “options”.

I know that an option is to stay married and faithful to my wife. Period. I have tried that option for the past 25 years. Not sure that it is working all that well for me. I am gay. I am finding it increasingly harder to deny this part of who I am. I would change it if I could. I can’t. In some ways, I wish I could just permanently bury this part of me. I just can’t seem to figure out how. Suppose it’s stupid to even try.

There is the option of leaving my wife and leading a life where I can be true and accepting of who I really am. This one I understand. The transition would be painful. Very painful. But on the others side of this transition, I could lead a true and authentic life. This is the path that seems to make the most sense, but also seems to have most intense burst of pain to get there.

It’s the middle ground that I am having a hard time with. In one respect, a solution would be to stay married, but be allowed to experience my gay side. Open marriage if you will. I am not sure how I could be honest with my wife and make this happen. I have heard that there are often “rules” for these types of arrangements. For example, you have to tell your spouse who you are with and what you did. That sounds a lot easier said than done. I think I would still feel guilt over my actions and the telling part would make it worse. At the same time, not telling feels like more of the same old barriers that are tearing my apart right now.

What happens if I fall in love with a guy? Then what? I split my time between my wife and my boyfriend. Guess that’s good for me, but seems totally unfair to both of them. And in the end, it might not be so good for me either.

How about the “closed loop” option? I stay married and have one “special friend”, perhaps another married guy. Maybe this works. He has a wife, I have a wife. We fulfill our needs with each other and have a relationship that is more than a one-time hook-up. Sounds like it could be ok. But where do you find the right guy to get into this type of relationship. It seems that most married guys like me are hanging out pretty deep in the closet.

When I get down to it, the whole thing seems pretty “black and white”. Stay married or don’t. Everything in the middle just muddies the water and causes more pain and confusion. Life is full of “shades of gray”, but I am having a hard time seeing them here.

Two months after writing about his options, the man decided he couldn't live in the closet any longer. When he came out to his wife he didn't know what he wanted. He'd had some tantalizing connections with men but also felt a strong emotional connection to his wife.

About a month after coming out, he shared this update:

Since having the discussion with my wife, the world seems to be spinning faster than ever…but in a good way. Sometimes a day seems like a month. One of my hopes was that my wife and I would be able to cycle through the most difficult parts of this journey quickly. We indeed seem to be making this happen, which is great.

I have tried really hard to give the issue of repairing my marriage the time that it needs. I am glad that my work and travel scheduled has allowed this to happen.

My wife and I have been talking more and at greater depth than at any time in our relationship. The conversations are deep and meaningful. I really feel like she understands me and I am understanding her. The only bad part about all of this is that, perhaps, we should have done all this a long time ago. On the other hand, the things we have experienced make us who we are….and right now I would not want to change that.

My wife’s full acceptance of me makes me love her even more than ever. Our sex life has gone from recently nonexistent, to passionate, sensual and exciting. For a while, I did not want her to really even touch me. Now, we can’t seem to get enough of each other. Incredible!

Having said all this, it has not been all sunshine and roses. We have both had to process a lot of really intense emotions. There have been times when her anger has been intense. She is upset with herself for not being there for me during this dark time. I keep telling her that is something that I didn’t allow her to do. It’s really my fault, not hers.

She has also been very angry that I broke our marriage vows. She fully supports me experiencing who I am; however, the fact that this has occurred without us talking about it in advance is a big issue. I really need to work hard to regain her trust and faith in me.

On my end, I am working hard to be expressive of my feelings and be sure that I am communicating with her at a deep and honest level. There have been times when I have not been sure what I am feeling. It has taken awhile to really figure out what I am feeling and why. It has not been easy and at times we have shed a great deal of tears. They seem to be necessary for both of us to heal.

The next chapters are yet to be written. We have talked some about boundaries. As we make our relationship work, we both know that we need to be totally honest and we need to be on the same page as to what is and is not acceptable. It’s not totally clear what the future looks like, but it does look pretty good. I am definitely committed to being a complete person and sharing all of who I am with my wife. Since the big transition day, she has been consistent in her support.

These words really don’t come close to capturing the highest highs that I have ever experienced in my life. They have definitely happened. At the same time, they also don’t capture the pain, anger and turmoil that we have both felt. The intensity of all of these feelings has, at times, been overwhelming.

Can I have it all? I’m not sure, but I’m looking forward to trying.

Many bisexual men are afraid to come out to their wives because they don't think the news will be well-received. They're afraid of losing their marriages and destroying the lives of everyone around them.

In the above two stories, these men came out to their wives and, indeed, their marriages were severely tested. However, because they broke down old barriers and sought to deepen the bond with their wives, their marriages not only survived but flourished.

Women cherish intimacy. It seriously turns them on. Wouldn't most straight men love to be able to say this after 25 years of marriage?

"Our sex life has gone from recently nonexistent, to passionate, sensual and exciting. For a while, I did not want her to really even touch me. Now, we can’t seem to get enough of each other. Incredible!"

The cynics and skeptics will inevitably ask, "Will these marriages last?"

Or they'll say that these periods of happiness are temporary and the men will return to their struggle later.

My response is, "does it matter?" These couples are far happier than they were before.

Besides, the beauty of the "win-win" is that if the first phase doesn't work, the second phase will.

Either way, the "win-win" is the best possible way a struggling bi-married man can find enduring happiness.

---

A post-script:

Because the pivot point in both of these stories is the husband coming out to his wife, it might appear that I'm suggesting that struggling bi-married men come out to their wives. This is not the case.

As stated in my post about the first phase of the "win-win" coming out is NOT required.

Unfortunately most struggling bi-married men never consider the possibility of addressing the intimacy problems within their marriage EXCEPT within the context of coming out. Although the two ideas are often tied together, coming out is only ONE WAY of bridging the intimacy gap. There are others, as detailed in the many marital self-books that are available at local libraries.

Just to be clear, I'm going to repeat this statement once again: coming out is not required to successfully implement the "win-win." However, recommitting to true intimacy within the marriage is.

Why the Bi-Married Man "Win-Win" isn't bullsh*t

In response to my last post, The "Win-Win" Solution for Struggling Bi-married Men, Nick from Fort Wayne, Indiana said, "This is bullshit! This approach sounds one step removed from pray-the-gay away, I've tried both (your win-win above) - it does NOT stop the inner conflict, it may push it down for a period, again & again, but each & everything it comes back front & center, it returns with even more force than the last time, ultimately something has to give/break. Your win-win then just becomes a delaying tactic for the guy & the wife has been drug father down the proverbial rabbit hole, believing she has an influence over this own scenario."

Nick was not the only critic. Austin said that my advice fails to address the fundamental, underlying problem: a lack of sexual attraction. "I'd posit that many problematic 'bi' marriages seem to be based on the notion of 'I really care about her and love her, so maybe we can pull this off even if I'm not sexually attracted to her' - that's the original problem, and you're just suggesting they go right back to it as the solution."

Actually, I'm suggesting that they go right back to it FIRST. Soon I will be posting a Part Two to the "win-win" solution and that will (hopefully) explain how a struggling bi-married man can find enduring happiness even when the first step is a flop.

---

Like many straights and gays, Nick and Austin are skeptical about married men who primarily have sex with men and call themselves bisexual. The phrase, "bi now, gay tomorrow" comes to mind.

I'll admit that I can be very skeptical too. I've had plenty of now-gay men tell me that they once believed they were bisexual. The thing is, labels are irrelevant in the context of the "win-win." The twin goals are happiness, or, happiness. Labels don't define happiness, people do. So...with respect to implementing the "win-win" it doesn't matter what a guy thinks his orientation is. All that matters is that he be determined and sincere when doing it.

The most warranted criticism of the "win-win," at least as I've presented it so far, is that I did not offer any evidence that it works. Well, this post and the next several are intended to offer proof that it can work. I'll be sharing six stories, and my own, about men who did (or are) implementing the first phase of the "win-win" solution. Decide for yourself if they seem happy...

"Win-Win" Story One: Regret

What originally caused me to think of the "win-win" was my own situation.

My wife was never very clear about it at the time, but after we split up I learned that she felt very unappreciated and undesired by me. That made her feel empty and dissatisfied.

The only clue she sometimes dropped was to complain that I didn't pay enough attention to her. I never understood what she was talking about - we were always together! Too bad I didn't know then that "time" and "attention" cannot be substituted for true intimacy.

As for my own satisfaction while we were together, I found it.

Getting naked, being affectionately expressive and sharing an orgasmic high with another guy made me think that hooking-up is what made me happy. And it did, for a little while. But what I most wanted, what we all want, is regular, hot sex with someone who makes us feel special - someone who touches our soul in the deepest, most meaningful ways.

For many years, I tried to find that special connection with a man. Then, on one unremarkable Spring day in 2003, I realized I was chasing a fantasy.

Once I accepted that I was never going to get what I wanted, the need to hook-up faded away. Weeks went by and I realized that I was happier NOT hooking-up. It was a huge relief not to have to lie and hide and feel guilty. More than that, it felt good to behave honorably.

One of my biggest regrets in life is that I never tried to pursue the same kind of life-changing, heart-stopping emotional connection that I wanted with a man, with my wife. If I had tried, would she have felt fulfilled by me? Would she have put more effort into our relationship? Would we be happily together for the rest of our lives?

I will never know the answers to those questions and that makes me very, very sad. In spite of her many flaws, it is impossible to imagine that I will ever find a man who I will love more.

My story isn't exactly an example of why the "win-win" works (those stories will follow), but it should serve as a warning to others. If you explore with men, your marriage will suffer, even if there is no obvious conflict. Likewise, if you cheat but never pour your heart and soul back into your marriage, you will forever be at risk of losing the one person you always expected to be by your side.

Sometimes you get a chance to salvage what you had, but not always.

Sometimes there are no second chances.

The Win-Win Solution for Struggling Bi-Married Men

In the posts Men are for Sex, Open Marriage, The Divided Bisexual Man, and He Says/She Says I wrote about the struggle many married and bisexual men face as they come to terms with their sexuality.

In another series of posts I said that bi-married men have four options when it comes to reconciling their attraction to men and their marriage. I identified those options as: Don't Act on It, Be Honest, Cheat, and Start a New Life.

Several months after writing about those choices, I began to extensively interact with dozens of straight wives who are married to bisexual, gay and "straight" husbands. Wow, what a fundamentally different and unexpectedly revealing learning experience that has been. After swapping stories with hundreds of other married men for the past 17 years, I really thought I'd heard it all. Instead, I've learned that many men don't know as much about their marriages and their wives as they think they do.

It's my belief that bridging the gap between what a man thinks he knows and the truth has the potential to resolve the moral and emotional conflicts that often plague married men who are sexually attracted to other men. In short, bridging the gap is a "win-win" solution for bisexual married men who seek genuine and enduring happiness in their lives.

The "win-win" is not a cookie-cutter solution that is appropriate for every bisexual married man. Many bi-married men are happy to live a double life, and as such, this solution doesn't apply to them; they are not struggling. On the other hand, for men who are unable to find genuine and enduring happiness - because they only have the "losing" options of secretly cheating on the wife they love, or, coming out as bisexual and risk being rejected by their families - this solution is an authentic way to find inner peace.

A Warning

As simple and appealing as the idea of a "win-win" solution is, the problem it addresses is huge. As such, finding enduring happiness requires WORK. This is not a flip-the-switch or a pop-a-pill solution. You must be motivated.

That said, hopefully what you read here will inspire you to give this solution a serious try. If implemented correctly, it will change your life for the better.

Your Bisexual Journey

In order to understand how to find enduring happiness you have to take a step back and contemplate the bisexual journey you've taken.

If you're like most bi-married men, once upon a time you were happily married and not plagued by guilt, edginess, self-loathing, depression, frustration or an unquenchable desire to hook-up with men. What happened to you??

You became aware of your sexual attraction to other men.

Understanding, accepting and enjoying one's attraction to men is a lot like floating atop a raft on a smooth but deep river. When you first step onto the raft you have no intention of taking a long journey. Later, you realize that it's just something that happened; unseen, but inexorably powerful, the current of desire steadily pushed you forward.

There are two aspects to the bisexual man's journey. One is physical and the other is mental. On the physical side we progress from curiosity to porn to Craigslist ads to aborted meetings to real meetings to jacking off to getting sucked to sucking to fucking, and finally, to getting fucked. Not everyone follows the same path, but progression, rather than stagnation, is the rule.

The typical bisexual man's mental journey, on the other hand, tends to be chaotic. Denial, regret, self-hatred, depression and relentless desire swirl around and around in our heads. Often we are directionless as our thoughts change from one day to the next. Eventually we get tired of beating ourselves up. We realize that we are who we are and that our same-sex desires are not going to change. It's only once we accept ourselves that we gain some measure of peace.

Think about your own journey. When did it start? How did it start? How has your thinking evolved since then? How has your interest in different sexual activities changed? How long has it been since you went from being nervous and afraid to being comfortable with who you are?

Every situation is different, but chances are you began your journey a few years after you were married. And, even if you started earlier or later than that, there is probably no doubt that you married with good intentions and that you enjoyed the early days of sex and intimacy you shared with your wife. I make this assumption with conviction because marriages don't usually last unless they have a strong foundation.

Think about this: during all those years when you were adrift on the river of self-discovery, where has your wife been? By your side on the raft? Or left behind on the shore?

"I'm always straight except for when I'm bisexual."

The overwhelming desire to be "normal" can be astoundingly motivating. It literally makes men delusional. I can't tell you how many stories I've heard about men who obsessively pursue sex with men yet adamantly insist they are straight. Why is "bisexual" such an offensive label?

It's easy to marvel at how out of touch those men are, but the fact is, nearly all closeted bisexual men are delusional. Here's why:

When we think of bisexuality in its most basic form we think of it as "having a sexual attraction to both women and men." This is an incomplete definition and it is the root of Bisexual Delusion. Men in particular tend to think their bisexuality is a switch. When they're having sexual thoughts about men they're bisexual. When they're not thinking about men they're straight. This is not true. Bisexuals are bisexuals 24/7.

Your sexuality affects every important relationship you have. With little conscious thought you alternately express and repress your attraction to men throughout the day, and no matter which you are doing, it affects how you interact with others.

Repression is especially significant. It causes you to be more withdrawn and more secretive than you otherwise would be. It makes your relationships more transactional - even robotic - as your highest priority is to keep your bisexuality hidden. No relationship is more affected by this dynamic than the one with your wife. Because she is simultaneously the person closest to you AND the person who must never know the truth, engaging in a genuinely intimate conversation with her is a dangerous tight-rope walk. Most closeted bisexual men prefer to play it safe.

The thing is, playing it safe slowly causes intimacy to be replaced by distance. And no matter how polite or good-natured you are to each other, there's still a deep river that keeps you apart.

That distance between you on the raft and her on the shore? It's caused by your bisexuality.

"I'm always straight except for when I'm bisexual." - Part Two

Another aspect of Bisexual Delusion is that it causes men to make excuses for their lackluster (or non-existent) marital sex life. For example, it's common knowledge that marriage kills your sex life - right?

We all know that young couples fuck like bunnies and older couples hardly fuck at all.

We all know that women lose interest in sex after they have children.

We all know that women lose interest in sex when they hit menopause.

We all know that our married friends' sex lives are just as bad as ours, if not worse.

Although there is often an element of truth in these statements, it is delusional for a man to think that his bisexuality has no affect on the quantity and quality of sex within his marriage. Over and over, straight women have told me that they knew "something" wasn't right but they didn't know what. Then, once they learn the truth, it clicks.

The fact is, women of all ages LOVE intimate sex.

"I'm always straight except for when I'm bisexual." - Part Three

A third aspect of Bisexual Delusion is when bisexual men attribute their lackluster sex life to their wife's imperfections:

"She doesn't take care of herself."
"She's always tired."
"She never wants to give me a blow job."
"She's fat."
"She's a bitch."
Etc, etc, etc.

Again, there is often some truth behind these excuses, but the fact is, heterosexual men will eagerly fuck a fat, ugly woman who just lies there LONG before they'd ever consider hooking up with a man.

Bisexuality is not a part-time orientation. It's who you are, all the time, and it always affects how you interact with other people, most especially your wife.

The Win-Win: Step One

The first step of the "Win-Win" solution is to take responsibility for who you are.

Although it's very likely that your bisexuality is not the only issue in your marriage, if you want to find enduring happiness, you must work from the assumption that it is.

Focusing on other issues, especially ones that are her fault, will not be productive.

If you want results, you have to man-up. You have to work to bridge the intimacy gap that exists between you and your wife, and, you must believe that the gap is entirely caused by your sexuality.

Step Two

After you have accepted that your bisexuality has created an intimacy gap between you and your wife, and you acknowledge that your marital sex life is not satisfying to you, the next step is to address the problem with your wife.

Does that mean coming out to her?

No.

The beauty of the "win-win" is that you can find enduring happiness without ever coming out of the closet.

In place of coming out, however, you MUST initiate a brutally honest conversation with your wife. This conversation is REQUIRED.

In the conversation you must tell her, without ever once blaming her, that you miss "the good old days" when the two of you couldn't get enough of each other. You must tell her that your first inclination was to make excuses for why that is...getting older, the kids, work, whatever. But then you realized that YOU haven't made as much effort as you once did. Just hearing those words should make your wife tingle down there in a way she hasn't in quite some time.

I've said that in a cheeky way, but actually, it's true. If you initiate an honest, intimate conversation and then take full responsibility for taking her for granted, she should respond in an overwhelmingly positive way. Ideally she will accept a portion of the blame and offer her understanding for the pressures that weigh on you.

Her comfort and support should encourage you to take the conversation to the next level, which is to create a joint plan to rekindle the intimacy in your relationship. Because keeping your bisexuality hidden is a permanent barrier, you have to work doubly hard to compensate. There are hundreds of intimacy-building books out there, read some.

I realize that talking about your relationship and improving the intimacy in it is not something you would normally want to do. Probably the opposite - and that's the point. As I said, the "win-win" requires work and now you can see why. It might seem like it's one sided, and it is, at first. After holding back for many years you have an intimacy deficit to fill. The good news is that if you are persistent, you will definitely enjoy the benefits of your labor: more and better sex.

The initial pay-off should be especially hot; there's good reasons why it's called "The Honeymoon Phase." Your pledge to intimacy and her response should inspire both of you to feel like giddy teenagers in a new relationship who just can't get enough of each other. Improved intimacy will rekindle the flame that has always been there, and once you feel it, you'll be surprised by the intensity. Just like that, you'll go from feeling frustrated and stressed by the confines of your marriage, to feeling happy and optimistic about your future together.

Reaping these benefits is essential because they will keep you motivated - and staying motivated is essential because bringing true intimacy back to your marriage is not a one-shot deal. Nor is it a one-month commitment. It's a permanent change of habit, a new beginning for an old relationship.

Step Three

Step three, mostly, is to repeat step two. Whenever your marital sex life slows down it's up to you to take the initiative to breathe life into it by letting your guard down and seducing your wife with intimacy.

There will be plenty of times when you will be tested. What if you're tired? What if she is being a bitch? What if sex with her is boring? Instead of burying these frustrations as you have in the past, you have to be open about them WITHOUT being negative or confrontational.

For example, don't reject her advances because you're tired. Instead be playfully teasing, "It's been a long day and I haven't been in the mood, BUT, I really want to enjoy this time together. Maybe you can put me in the mood? Or maybe we can cuddle?"

If she's being a bitch don't make it worse by criticizing her or telling her to relax. All she wants is for you to listen to her complain. So say something like, "I don't want to fight. Remember how I said I really to improve our relationship? I mean it. Can we call a truce for a few minutes?" You might surprised by how much better she responds when you're open and honest rather than closed and defensive.

When it comes to sex, what turns most women on is "girlie" stuff. Things like romantic comedies, romance novels, cuddling, kissing and holding hands. If sex with your wife is boring then you have to inspire her by asking how you can better please her. If you try some things that she suggests chances are she'll be that much more exciting in bed.

Whatever hurdles you face, overcoming them comes back to two simple ideas: respectful honesty and genuine intimacy. Step three is to continuously use them.

Step Four

Speaking of hurdles - one of the most difficult ones might be how to handle your attraction to men. Improving intimacy within your marriage will not make you straight.

But... it should make you much less motivated to pursue sex with men.

One of the key assumptions of the "win-win" is that intimate connections make for enduring happiness. There is something fundamentally satisfying about connecting with someone on a deep and intimate level. Yet, for all of the reasons outlined above, closeted bisexual men tend to avoid intimacy with their wives. This leaves them with an interior void that aches to be filled.

Sex with men is a great outlet to fill the void. It's fun! It's also a relaxing way to be close to someone without the risk of emotional entanglement. And, it's a welcome relief to escape the burden of the closet. Of course the inspired orgasms don't hurt either.

With so much to gain from hook-ups, it might seem unrealistic to expect that improved intimacy with your wife will dull your need to pursue them, but it will. It's not every day that love, sex and genuine intimacy all come together in the form of one person, so putting that relationship at risk by hooking up with others just won't seem worth it. Why go outside your marriage if what you have within it is so satisfying?

With that said, and for as much a commitment to intimacy should improve the relationship you have with your wife, you are - and always will be - bisexual. There will be times when you'll have to fight to resist the urge to hook-up. I suggest that you give yourself a break and not fight. Instead, redirect your sexual energy. Challenge yourself to find new ways to put your wife in the mood. Or, if you're not up for that, indulge yourself with some good porn and a lengthy solo session.

Giving yourself an outlet is extremely important. Repression does not work in the long-run, it only makes you miserable. Embrace your sexuality and wallow in it - in your own private and guilt-free ways. Finding enduring happiness means keeping your balance - a happy, fulfilling marriage AND the healthy expression of the full spectrum of your sexuality.

Step Five

We'd all like to find happiness as soon as possible. Yesterday, even. But securing ENDURING happiness takes time. You can't pay attention to your wife for a month, bask in the glow of a honeymoon phase, and think your work is done. Maintaining a good relationship always takes work - you know that. But changing old habits is extremely difficult. The idea of the "win-win" is to slowly and steadily paddle your raft to the shore and reacquaint yourself with the woman you fell in love with years ago. That takes time.

If you're serious about wanting to find enduring happiness, I suggest that you give yourself at least a full year to do it. If you can remain genuinely motivated for a year, you will - unquestionably - secure the first win in the "win-win" scenario.

Conversely, if you make a short-term effort and don't follow through after some initial good results, then your chances of finding enduring happiness will be no better than they are now.

Basically, if you want the "win" you have to go "balls to the wall" for at least a year.

The Second Win

What happens if you do exactly as I suggest, for exactly a year, and you aren't any happier than when you started? What then?

Don't despair.

By making a lengthy and determined effort to rekindle genuine intimacy in your marriage, you will avail yourself to a new set of opportunities - opportunities that will grant you new ways to secure enduring happiness.

I'll explain how that is possible in the next post.

In the meantime, thanks for reading. I look forward to your comments.

A Bisexual Husband: He Says / She Says

I recently had the opportunity to witness a bisexual man and his straight wife speak candidly and independently about their marriage. Although I am quoting them directly, I made some editorial changes to keep their narratives tightly focused and to protect their identities.

The Bisexual Husband

Some days my marriage feels like a game to me, quick delete the emails and hide the gay porn! Other days it feels like I'm walking 500 miles in shit only to be rejected because I need more.

I'm living two lives right now. Physically... I'm a married man. I wear my wedding ring, I kiss my wife, we have sex. I don't physically cheat. I've never had sex with a man. I've hardly ever hugged a man. Mentally though, I struggle. I know that I'm married. I know that my wife has eyes for me. I know that I actually like having sex with her. Still, I'm drawn to men.

There are plenty of times that I wanted a cure for my bisexuality. I can see how it can enrich some peoples lives, but as for mine, please... lets cut it off. Like that leg... amputate it and please make life easier for me. Then I remember that this, this whole thing is a big part of me and it'll never ever just be shut off, cut off or wished away.

I don't know what I’m supposed to do. I love my wife and we have our problems but I know that life comes with problems, marriage isn't easy. If I didn't have my wife I would feel incomplete. I feel incomplete now, too. I'm puzzled and confused. Still it's comforting to know that there are that many people like me: stuck in the gray zone of needing something nearly unattainable. The bottom line is though, I've got the hots for my wife, as well as genuine love for her.

[How's your sex life?]

Sometimes we screw like hormonal teenagers and we'll have sex in the afternoons, before I go to work. I generally would refuse her because I felt that it made me sluggish and lazy at work... but it's actually put a pep in my step and it's increased my productivity. The afternoon sex sessions just keep getting better too.

The other day she jumped into the shower with me. That NEVER happens so it was a welcome surprise. Seeing her got me all hot and bothered so I started feeling her up... and SHE LET ME! Score! I pressed my self up against her and started pressing my cock up against her butt and other places. I was on cloud 9.

Another time I had been horny all day and after watching some old porn well off into the night, I was still in the mood despite having given up all hope to get laid. To my surprise my wife was horny and not at all tired. We started to have sex but something about it felt different, better. I can't put my finger on it, but something was completely different about this time. My excitement level was to the roof top.

Where does this leave me now? I've been pondering that. I'm still very much attracted to men but that night sure shook things up. Now I'm obsessing about my wife. I just want to crawl into bed and see if I can't make my way in between her legs.

The Straight Wife

We were married in September and only a few months later, in the following April I found evidence that he had been looking at profiles of gay men online. He assured me that he was only looking, just curious. I was devastated. We were newlyweds! I was so ashamed that I couldn't tell anyone. I didn't know what to do, so I just pretended like it didn't happen.

A couple of years went by, and our sex life really started declining. He was depressed a lot. He would tell me he didn't feel good, or his head hurt, or he was tired, or his stomach hurt in order to get out of sex with me. A couple times I would find evidence of him chatting online, but he assured me that it was only talking, that it didn't mean anything, and that he loved me so much. He would have sex with me for 2 weeks, then slowly our relationship would drift back to him avoiding intimacy with me. This went on for a couple years.

Eventually I told him that I needed intimacy and I threatened to cheat on him. His answer was to say that he was so sorry, and that he knew that he denied me intimacy. He promised that he would have sex with me regularly.

Of course, the sex was never regular, and he NEVER initiated it. We would have terrible fights about it. He would make me feel so bad for wanting sex. He would blame me for him not wanting it. I felt so conflicted because I wanted my marriage to work. When things were good, they were good, but when they were bad I was miserable. One day I just started praying, and I prayed to God that he would show me what to do. I begged him for a sign. Then, a few days after I prayed so fervently, some apps for gay men appeared on my phone. He didn't know that they'd be downloaded to my phone when I synced it. I confronted him, and of course he lied first then told me he was so sorry and he loves me so much. Again I didn't know what to do, so I told him that I needed time to think.

One night while he was sleeping, I took his phone and found out that he had another email account that I didn't know about, and saw emails dating back many months. I knew at that moment that I had to leave him. He talked to these men about doing the things with them that I wanted him to do with me..kissing, etc. I was so heartbroken.

I'm attempting to figure it all out, hoping that I can move in with my friend. Meanwhile my husband is begging me to stay. He promises to give me what I need, and if he can't then I can sleep with whomever I choose; although he has realized that he will never stop wanting to be with men.

He says he is bisexual and not gay...but I am done with that. I am done waiting on him to be what he says he will be. He says that he really means it this time because he never thought that I would leave him, but now that it is a reality he is willing to do whatever it takes.....what a slap in the face!!!

I am feeling sorry for myself lately. All I ever wanted was family and children and I'm scared that now I will never have that. I was so stupid all those years. I hope that I haven't wasted too much time on him. I think that I am just ashamed of the situation. I am an educated woman, I went to graduate school, how could I have given him so many chances? How could I have believed he would change?

Not all bisexual men are the same and not all bisexual married men can identify with the man quoted above. But many can.

Clearly, he loves his wife. Clearly, he desires his wife. Also, he recognizes that he is far from perfect and that his marriage has some issues. But, wow, isn't his story astoundingly different from hers???

He is not unique. Many bi-married men are stuck in their own mire and cannot see how their actions, or lack there of, directly affect the important people in their lives. This man, for example, believes that the biggest threat to his marriage is his attraction to men. But that's not why his wife wants to leave. She wants to leave because she feels undesired, "I am done waiting on him to be what he says he will be."

Many couples do not communicate about their sexual problems. This couple did. And, they both made a sincere effort to improve their intimacy. But their progress was always short-lived. Within two weeks they always fell back into the same pattern. Why? Because wanting to desire a woman 'enough' is not a substitute for actually doing it.

I believe that this couple's experience powerfully demonstrates four truisms that can often be applied to the marriages of bisexual men:

Attraction doesn't kill marriages, lack of attraction does.This wife, and many like her, can accept a marriage to a bisexual husband. A surprising number of women are willing look the other way when it comes to infidelity. But even a faithful man's marriage will not endure unless his wife feels desired.

Labels don't matter. Any man who does not (or cannot) make his wife feel genuinely desired is on a slow but steady march to divorce court. This is true even if he is bisexual and even if he is straight. What a man believes about himself is irrelevant. He can be turned off by gay porn, and thereby be certain of his bisexuality, but if his wife does not feel authentically and regularly desired, he is no different to her than a gay man.

Lies matter. The reason this straight wife is angry is not so much that she unknowingly married a bisexual man, it's because he lied so often that he turned their marriage into a sad joke. Also, she's pissed that he wasted years of her life. Or more accurately, she's pissed at herself. The signs were there yet she ignored them.

Love is not enough. Pop culture and an untold number of fairy tales ingrain into us the certainty that love is enough to sustain a relationship. This is true. Love is what sustains many difficult relationships - how would teenagers be permitted to survive to adulthood without it?? As important as love is, most troubled marriages cannot be sustained on love alone. If there is no sexual desire, or not enough of it to be mutually satisfying, then the marriage will slowly unravel, like a ball of yarn. Friendships and families are sustained by love. The difference between those relationships and a marriage is not love, it's desire.

If you're reading this and you see something of yourself or your marriage in this couple's story, you might ask, what are you supposed to do about it? You love your wife, you married her with honest intentions, you have kids, you don't really want to live as an out gay man...what options do you have besides "keep on keeping on?"

Several.

One of those options, if handled correctly, should be a "win-win" - and no - it does not require that you tell your wife that you are attracted to men.

I will explain what this option is in a soon-to-come post. In the meantime, I look forward to reading your thoughtful comments.

The Divided Bisexual Man

"Men are for sex and women are for love."

You don't usually wake up one morning and have an epiphany that love and sex work best when split by gender. Instead it's an evolutionary process. That process can vary from man to man, but it often follows a common path:

1. An otherwise hetero guy, who may already be married, realizes that he has a sexual attraction to men.

2. The man tries to squash, deny, hide, run away from, and generally do whatever he can to make those evil man-sex thoughts go away. If the man is not already married, he often gets married, with the honest hope that marriage will banish his man-sex fantasies.

3. Depending on other aspects of life, thoughts about sex with men may wax and wane, but they do not go away. Years spent fighting the thoughts makes many men frustrated, anxious and unhappy. Ultimately, most give in to temptation. They might begin by chatting about sex with other men on-line. Then they might arrange a date to receive a blow job - which they will flake out on, at least once. Eventually they keep a date and have their first experience. From there, the exact progression differs but the result is the same: within months, years or decades, they become eager to hook-up with other men.

4. After the first few hook-ups there's a serious questioning stage. Am I straight? Am I bi? Am I gay? There are no statistics but my guess is that the proportion of married men who fool around with other men and then eventually come out as gay is relatively low, maybe 20%? I say this based on personal experience and because very few married guys on hook-up sites label themselves as gay. Most men seem to conclude this stage by accepting themselves as bisexual.

In my last post, I said that bisexual men can be divided into two groups. One group I called "Casanovas" because of their natural and effortless ability to make a woman feel wanted. Upon further reflection, I've decided that "Casanova" is a bad descriptor. It evokes the image of a skilled lady's man, someone with magical eyes and a seductive touch. In truth there's nothing especially romantic or alluring about bisexual men in the first group. They're completely average. They're only noteworthy because they have an unrestrained enthusiasm to 'get it on' with their wives, whereas bisexual men in the second group tend to need a kick-start when it comes to initiating marital sex.

"Unrestrained enthusiasm" and "tending to need a kick-start" are subjective ways of segregating the two types of married bisexual men. A better, more objective way to make the distinction is based how frequently they have sex with their wives. Men in the first group tend to have regular and frequent sex, while men in the second group tend to have sex on a hit-or-miss basis.

What's interesting is that most "Get it On" bisexuals can't relate to the whole "men are for sex and women are for love" thing. To them it seems like an unnecessary distinction. For one thing, women are just as sex-worthy as men, if not more so. And falling in love with a man? There's two schools of thought about that. Either it's completely off the man's radar - as in, that possibility has never once crossed his mind, or, he feels that love has nothing to do with gender. Love is love, man or woman.

Whichever way they feel about love, there is no vague middle ground, and that's what's distinctive about "Get it On" bisexual men - they aren't conflicted. Love and sex are simple; there's no need to make any rules.

"Kick-start" bisexuals are different. They don't have it so easy. Their relatively low level of sexual attraction to their wives compared to their increasing attraction to men causes a lot of internal conflict, frustration and anxiety. As internal pressures mount, they compartmentalize their thoughts and feelings. Over time, as compartmentalization takes hold, they morph from being a relatively happy, whole and complete man to a secretive, stressed and divided man. A man who becomes a two-sided coin: a devoted straight family man on one side and a horny, cum-loving, cock-sucking slut on the other.

"Men are for sex and women are for love" is compartmentalization. Compartmentalization masks conflict: the conflict between the man he used to be, and still is, mostly, and the man he has become. Bringing the two sides of himself together feels like an impossible task, and as such, the struggle between the two sides never ends. That makes for a life that can be lived, but not for a life that can be loved.

In the story that prompted this post, a bisexual man told his wife that he had no romantic interest in men. To prove that to her, he suggested inviting a man into their bed. She laughed at that idea. Undeterred, he offered another suggestion, that she accompany him to a gay bar. He was determined to prove his "men are for sex, not for love" point. Well, the gay bar turned out to be a disaster for him. Watching his eyes at the gay bar was all the proof his wife needed to become convinced that he would eventually fall in love with a man.

Just like the wives of divided bisexual married men everywhere, the woman in the story already knew there were big problems in her marriage. And lacking a clear reason for the problems, she blamed herself. Then her husband outed himself as bisexual. That opened her eyes. Not to the fact that he was a lying, cheating scum bag, but to the fact that there wasn't something inherently wrong or undesirable about her. Watching her husband ogle men at the gay bar was the final straw. In all their years together he had never once looked at her with the same depth of desire. She realized then what he did not - that he is a conflicted man who had built a wall between the two sides of himself. She also realized he would never find lasting happiness until that wall was torn down and he was no longer a divided man.

Encapsulated in this couple's story there are three monumentally important lessons for married and divided bisexual men everywhere:

First - Any conflicted man who thinks that he has successfully hidden his woes from his wife is mistaken. No, she doesn't know that you're bi and that you hook up with men, but she does know that there's something fundamentally wrong with your marriage. That fundamental problem is not your cheating. Rather, it's the reason that you cheat: you are a divided man. You cannot be happy with one person and that means you can never be happy with her. Deep down, she knows this.

Second - Because wives of conflicted men know on a deep and unspoken level that they are not enough to make their husband happy, they blame themselves. As they witness their husband's gradual withdrawal from them they become increasingly depressed, self-loathing and unmotivated. It deeply hurts them to feel so unwanted. Different wives respond differently to that hurt. Some withdraw. Some turn their attention to the children. Some take comfort in overeating or other bad habits. Others get bitchy and critical. Whatever the behavior, the cause is the same - they know they are not enough - and it hurts.

Third - Compartmentalization, having your cake and eating it too, and/or making the best of a compromised life are all ways to cope with being a conflicted man, but none of them will ever make you genuinely happy. In truth, they merely camouflage the landmines that lurk below the surface. Yes, a man can carefully and persistently dodge one mine after another, but time is not on his side. Major blow-ups are inevitable. Porn on computers, secret email accounts uncovered, phone calls and text messages at odd hours, unnecessary errands, an HIV positive diagnosis - these are but a few of the multitude of ways for the truth to be discovered. Any man who genuinely believes he can be a perfect liar for the rest of his life is only fooling himself. To err is human. Divided bisexual men are all too human.

What's the solution?

Overwhelmingly, conflicted bisexual men feel that because they married with good intentions and their attraction to men surfaced later in life they are destined to live as divided, marginally satisfied men. Coming out as bisexual (or worse, gay) does not solve the problem and cutting men out completely just isn't realistic. "Keep on keeping on" - that's the best they can do.

Well, maybe. For some, a lukewarm life of compromise might be the best answer. But far too many divided men are stuck in the narrow confines of their own thoughts. In a soon-to-come post I will offer some new perspectives that may help some men regain their dignity - and perhaps find genuine happiness again.

Open Marriage / MMF Threesome

In a recent post I shared the story of a man who was seeking his wife's permission to enjoy casual, recreational sex with other men. He wanted an open marriage - the dream situation for just about every married bisexual man.

To allay his wife's fears about where an open marriage might lead, the man explained to his wife that his interest in men was purely physical. He said that he had no interest in pursuing a relationship with a man, and, to prove that his intentions were honorable, he suggested that the couple invite another man into their bed as the guest star. That way the wife could see first-hand what he meant.

The wife laughed at that idea.

Undeterred, the man was able to convince his wife to accompany him to a gay bar. That way she could see for herself that his interest in men was purely physical.

The couple did go to a gay bar together but the man failed to prove his point. Instead of agreeing to an open marriage, his wife decided to end it. Having an open marriage, to her, was "classic man wants his cake and eat it, too."

More importantly, she decided that his attraction to men was a very real threat to their future together. She said, "One day he WILL meet someone that he will be attracted to and will want to be with. So, after more years of being faithful to this man, he will leave me anyway. That is what will happen."

As a man who is attracted to other men, I completely understand the husband's point of view. I also know, based on the experiences of other men, that being open to other sexual relationships has the potential to strengthen a marriage; increased honesty and reduced sexual frustration usually make for a closer marital bond. As such, when conducted safely and respectfully, an open marriage can be a win-win situation for both partners.

Although I am familiar with open marriages from the man's point of view, I know little from a willing woman's perspective. The story I quoted was therefore a fascinating read. Yes, she seemed skeptical about the idea, but not so skeptical that she immediately rejected it. Further, her willingness to go to a gay bar with her husband is evidence that she tried to be open-minded. Not many wives would have agreed to go.

I posted the story because I wondered if readers (married men especially) would see the wife's reaction as valid or ridiculous. I particularly wanted readers to focus on the question of emotion. Because of the visit to the gay bar, the wife is now convinced that her husband WILL leave her for a man. Yet the husband says he's not interested in men that way. Who is right?

Consider each spouse's point of view:

The Bisexual Husband

I believe that bisexual married men can divided into two groups. The first group is composed of men who instinctively and naturally know how to make a woman feel desired. It's an effortless endeavor for them, like walking across a room; they're natural-born Casanovas. The men in the second group don't have it so easy. They have to concentrate in order to stay focused when they're with a woman.

What do I mean by 'focused?' It's a vague thing, not easily put into words. I'll use an analogy instead: it's like sex with a condom and sex without one. When you're fucking without a condom you're definitely not thinking about what a condom feels like. When you are fucking with a condom on, you're enjoying the sex, but you never really forget that your dick is covered with latex. It's distracting. It's a very thin barrier that keeps you from truly connecting with your partner. Bisexual men in the second group, in essence, are wearing a mental condom that subtly distracts them when they're having straight sex. It slows them down, both during the act itself and in wanting to have sex at all.

From a performance perspective, during sex, there's not much difference between men in the two groups. Getting hard, staying hard, and having an orgasm are usually not issues, barring any physical problems. What is different, very different, is how frequently the men in the two groups have straight sex. Because men in the second group have to make an effort to stay focused, straight sex requires some work. It's as if, instead of walking across a room, they have to progressively jump across, with both feet tied together. Having to expend the effort means they initiate sex less often, which means the couple has sex less often.

The man from the story belongs in the second group. The reason I know this is because his wife reports that they haven't been intimate "in forever." She also says she has repeatedly tried to entice him by going to bed naked and by wearing very sexy lingerie. The natural-born Casanovas don't need that much prompting. If a woman signals that she wants sex, they don't hesitate to jump right on.

Because the man hasn't been responding to his naked wife you might wonder if he is gay. He insists that he is not, for several reasons. First, his attraction to men is purely physical. Second, his taste in men is very specific; he only likes straight men. Third, he has no interest in kissing a man, much less falling in love with one. Fourth, he feels just the opposite about women as he does men - he likes to kiss women; he has only loved women in the past and he can only imagine being in love with women in the future. For him "men are for sex and women are for love." By most definitions, he is bisexual.

The Straight Wife

I have spent the last year absorbing the thoughts, opinions, emotions and experiences of straight wives who are married to gay or bisexual men. In the course of internalizing this information I have learned that straight wives care about many things, including fidelity, lying, diseases, financial security, love and public embarrassment. But what matters most, to the most women, is that they feel genuinely desired. Over and over different women have told me that "love is not enough" or "I don't want to be married to a roommate" or "I already have enough friends, I want a lover."

The need for women to feel genuinely desired is far more powerful than many men realize. For many women it is the basis of their feminine identity and their sense of self-worth. When a woman does not feel genuinely desired she feels like a failure as a woman. It's a knife that cuts her to the core, equivalent to a grown man being calling "a sissy" by his father; the hurt is deep and primal.

The woman in the story feels just as most other straight wives do. She wants to be wanted.

The Couple as Archetypes

An archetype, in this case, is "a universally understood symbol upon which others are patterned."

In my opinion, the bisexual man and his straight wife are typical of many other couples in the same situation. While the man is not typical of all bisexual men, I believe he represents a large subset of them. The wife is extremely typical of the vast majority of straight wives; she wants to preserve her marriage, provided that her needs as a woman can be met.

If you can believe that this couple is an archetype, then understanding them is a window into the dynamics of many marriages between bisexual men and their straight wives. Understanding this couple can explain why some straight wives are happy to stay with a bisexual man - even to the point of opening up their marriage - while others give up on their marriage, even when their husband promises to be faithful.

When a bisexual man asks his straight wife to open their marriage, the logical assumption is that it's her decision as to whether his request is granted. That assumption is true; lots of women will not accept a marriage with anything less than absolute monogamy. However, I have learned that a surprising number of straight wives are willing to consider the open marriage option, provided that it 'works' for them.

What makes a marriage 'work', regardless of whether it is open or closed, is if the husband makes the wife feel sexually alive. If he does not, then the marriage gradually dies.

This means that, most of the time, the bisexual man, and not his wife, is primarily responsible for the level of sexual in his marriage.

Desire

The man in the story vehemently insists that his interest in men is strictly sexual. He cannot imagine falling in love with a man; he does not WANT to fall in love with one. He's asked his wife to open the marriage by trying a MMF threesome, or by giving him permission to have recreational sex with men. To prove how harmless his interest in men is, the man convinced his wife to go with him to a gay bar. How did that go?

According to the wife, "[it was] one of the worst experiences of my life."

"[I] was looking across the bar and [saw] him looking at a man and flirting with him in a way that he has never looked at me. You know, the flirtatous eyes kind of look. I felt like I couldnt breathe...after all I have been to him, and giving him the very best of me all those years, I have never seen him look at me that way."

You might think she's misreading her husband's interest, or that she's paranoid, or that she's seeking to sabotage the open marriage option.

Any of those things could be true, however if they are, then the cost of being wrong is catastrophic for her. She WANTS her marriage to work. But she doesn't believe it can:

"It hurts my heart so much that most days I cannot breathe...Can he be my best friend and make me laugh till the cows come home? Yup. Can we cook together and drink wine and have a great time together and complete each others sentences? Yup. Is this enough for me for the rest of my life? Nope."

Clearly she loves him. Clearly she wishes their marriage could work. And yet she's convinced that it will ultimately fail. She's so convinced that failure is imminent that she's stopped even trying to make it work. Instead, she's decided to turn her entire life upside down by seeking a divorce. Being best friends isn't enough for her. She, like most other women, needs to feel that she is desired.

Women are so NOT like men. For the most part, women have a much higher emotional intelligence than men. Their 'women's intuition' is an everyday manifestation of how tuned-in they are to the people around them. When a man doesn't genuinely desire them, they know it. In the case of the woman in the story, once she saw how her husband desired the man in the bar, she knew she had never once been wanted with the same intensity.

Months of explanations by the husband after the visit have failed to convince the wife that she was wrong about what she saw. She knows what she knows, she knows how she feels.

The lesson of this couple is desire rules all. The proof for that is the decision the woman made. She gave up her comfortable life and the man she loves only because she HOPES that one day she might find a man who makes her feel desired.

Conclusions

People are different, marriages are different. What happened with this couple wouldn't necessarily happen with similar couples. But the dynamic that played out here DOES play out with many other couples:

First you have a large group of bisexual men who are unquestionably attracted to women, but 'making love' to their wife requires some effort.

Second you have virtually all straight wives who WANT to preserve their marriages, and are willing to make big compromises to do so, BUT ONLY IF their womanly self-image and feminine identity are regularly cherished by a husband who genuinely desires them.

A man can do or say anything he likes to prove his masculinity. He can aggressively make love to his wife as proof that he desires her. But most wives cannot be fooled. Desire is raw and animalistic. Desire means having a satisfying sex life - that means 'good sex' on a frequent basis. Once a month is not frequent.

The bottom line is that a large group of married bisexual men have an impossible road to travel. They are who they are, and they are authentic, but they don't have the essential and sincere ability to make a woman feel WANTED, yet being wanted is what their wife needs most.

In the story, the man's weakness became obvious when the couple visited a gay bar together. Most couples don't go to gay bars together so most wives can't compare the desire they feel to the desire they witness. But you can be certain that the marriages of some bisexual men inevitably crash when their wife has a similar "Aha!" moment; that moment where she realizes her man can never satisfy her.

In my next post I plan to write more about marriages between bisexual men and straight women. I'd like to particularly focus on why some are very strong and others are very weak, even when both spouses agree they love each other. I also hope to address the wife's conviction that her husband is destined to fall in love with a man, which is something he promises will never happen.

Your thoughts?