Friday, February 17, 2012

I bottomed for Brad Pitt this morning

I'm not someone who spends a lot of time lusting over celebrities. Sure, I appreciate their handsome faces and hot bodies, but I've never once fantasized about doing the nasty with one. What would be the point?

When I lust after someone, a big part of the fantasy is the possibility that it might happen. So, although a guy like Kellan Lutz is smokin' hot I'd much rather fantasize about a more realistic situation - like finding a cute, geeky Midwestern accountant to snuggle up with. (How's that for being real?)

Given my relative indifference to celebrities, I was quite surprised to awaken this morning feeling closer to Brad Pitt than to any other man on the planet.

I have no idea how he found me, or how he ended up naked in my bed, or why he looked several years younger than he does on TV, but this isn't one of those situations where I'm going to ask too many questions.

The highlight of being with Brad was feeling his sexy body pressed into me; I was the bottom and he was the top. My legs were bent far back over his shoulders which allowed him to bury his face in my neck with each thrust. It was a huge turn-on to feel his scruffy chin nuzzle against my face. I had no idea that getting fucked by someone famous could be so romantic.

Aside from the raw sexiness of being intimately intertwined with Brad, there were other, random thoughts that ran through my head while we were together. One was that I liked how relaxed he was. He seemed really at ease with himself and with being with me. Also, I liked the way he spoke. He had a slight southern drawl that was both funny and endearing.

There was one thing that bothered me about him, however: I couldn't believe how much he talked. Honestly, the guy never shut up. The worst part about all his talking was that nothing he said was interesting or memorable. And the more he drawled on and on, the more I began to wonder about important things, like, where is Angelina?? What would she think about Brad and I being together? And what about his kids? Of course I never had a chance to ask any of those questions because Brad never once let me get a word in. I hope he's not offended that I'm saying this, but the guy is a real motor mouth.

So back to the sex...Unfortunately I don't remember that either one of us had an orgasm. I know I didn't. Also, the whole experience must have been pretty exhausting. It seemed like one minute we were gently and intimately rocking back and forth together and the next minute I was waking from a deep sleep. I guess I was so intoxicated by the experience that I forgot our big finale. At least I have the memories.

The more I've thought about it, the more amazing it is that Brad Pitt (!!) actually snuck into my bed. How did he find me? How did he know that it's been a very long time since I've been with someone? Being with him has made me realize how much I crave being with someone.

If Brad should happen to read this, I want to say a HUGE thanks to him for his secret visit. I just hope he's not offended that I said he talks too much. Brad, if it makes you feel any better: I'd much rather have you endlessly whispering in my ear, with my legs wrapped around your back, then to not have you at all. Is there any chance you'll visit me again tonight?

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Sex? Yes! Coffee? No!!!!!!!!!

Sex is easy to find, but actual dates? Not so much.

I've tried a little of everything, from social groups to bars to relationship-oriented dating sites. I'm not sure that any one method is better than the others. What seems to be most important is to be proactive about meeting new people. Finding someone is mostly a numbers game.

What sucks for me is that my numbers are horrible.

Over the last few weeks I have proactively contacted ten different 40-something guys on a dating site and asked if they'd be interested in meeting for coffee or a drink. Nine of them ignored me.

I haven't tried, but my guess is that if I asked ten different guys on Grindr to come over for a hook-up I'd have much more success. I say that because I consistently get more attention on Grindr than I ever have on a traditional dating site.

What's up with that?

I really wish I could have a few coffee dates just to find out. The kind of men I'm hunting - (supposedly) relationship-oriented, single, urban gay men over the age of 40 - are largely a mystery to me. I don't understand what makes them tick or why they do what they do. I certainly don't understand why they have an active profile on a dating site if they don't want to meet for coffee.

Of course I spend a lot of time blaming myself. Do all 40-something guys have a 90% rejection rate (and counting...) or am I just that undesirable?

Why can't I look more like Matt Damon?

I'd be practically suicidal by now if it wasn't for Grindr. Thankfully the hook-up crowd doesn't ignore me.

The thing can I be good enough to want to fuck but not good enough to have coffee with?

Seriously: WTF?

Although every rejection makes me feel more discouraged, the good news is that I am developing a thicker skin. I now fully expect to be rejected.

The other 'good' news is that I still have plenty of guys I can ask out. Which is what I intend to do. I'll keep asking, they'll keep ignoring me and eventually I'll switch to a new dating site where I can repeat the process all over again. Fun!

On a more positive note, one guy did agree to meet. He was actually the first guy I asked so that was a short-lived ego boost.

I picked him first because he was in the middle of my list. I thought it would be wise to start with a no-pressure practice date. Mark was good practice. He's four years older, very nice and easy to talk with. We didn't have any romantic chemistry but he very graciously invited me to a hors d'oeuvres / dinner out event that he and his roommates host weekly - a perfect event for me. It's like coffee with a bunch of new people without having to ask.

The week after we met, I took Mark up on his dinner-out offer and met four of his friends. How should I describe them? They were odd. An Asian Steve Erkel, a 'professional' massage therapist (aka Gay with No Job), a curmudgeonly senior, and, the most interesting of all, the biggest stoner I've met since high school. Practically every sentence he said had something do with getting high or smoking pot.

In addition to the one date with Mark, I've been pinged a few times - all by guys who are 5 or more years older.

Last weekend I met one guy, Nick, a 52yo. I was pretty indifferent about meeting him until he told me that he came out of the closet at 40. I figured that even if we had no chemistry I could at least learn from his experiences.

Nick has never been married. In fact, the longest relationship he's ever had, with a man or a woman, is three years. I can see why; he's someone who blends into the background. A 'nice guy.' I feel bad for him.

Our date was brunch. The entire time we were in the restaurant we had to share a table with a straight couple. Although our conversation never lagged it was awkward having the straights there; neither of us felt free to talk openly. Because I really wanted to hear about his experiences dating men, when we finished eating, I suggested that we walk. Which we did for more than an hour.

Unfortunately, Nick's experiences with men were pretty meager. When I tried to get him to explain the mystique of the urban, relationship-seeking 40-something homo, he was as clueless as me.

The most 'exciting' part of the date happened when he said he wanted to kiss me. Until he said that, the possibility of kissing him had never entered my mind. Then he actually tried to do it - but I turned away. Awkward!

All I could think to say was, "I'm not ready for that."

After the aborted kiss we walked and talked for another 20 minutes, but I couldn't stop feeling traumatized. How do you nicely tell a seldom-loved guy that you don't want to kiss him?

Since meeting we've emailed back and forth a number of times but I remain very conflicted about what to do. It feels good to be wanted after being rejected by Gabbie. Likewise it feels good to be wanted after being rejected by guy after guy. I really crave being wanted. But I have no natural romantic feelings for him. I know I could learn to enjoy making out with him, but is that what I should be doing? Learning to enjoy it?

Maybe when I reach my 100th rejection in a row I'll think more seriously about 'letting' someone grow on me. Until then, I'm not beaten down enough to consider the idea.

OK, I just got an email that says "an exceptionally good match" is checking me out!

I wonder if it's anyone interesting. Drum roll please while I check....

Another admirer from the "73 years young!" crowd.

Really, it's amazing that I'm still single.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

A Bisexual Husband: He Says / She Says

I recently had the opportunity to witness a bisexual man and his straight wife speak candidly and independently about their marriage. Although I am quoting them directly, I made some editorial changes to keep their narratives tightly focused and to protect their identities.

The Bisexual Husband

Some days my marriage feels like a game to me, quick delete the emails and hide the gay porn! Other days it feels like I'm walking 500 miles in shit only to be rejected because I need more.

I'm living two lives right now. Physically... I'm a married man. I wear my wedding ring, I kiss my wife, we have sex. I don't physically cheat. I've never had sex with a man. I've hardly ever hugged a man. Mentally though, I struggle. I know that I'm married. I know that my wife has eyes for me. I know that I actually like having sex with her. Still, I'm drawn to men.

There are plenty of times that I wanted a cure for my bisexuality. I can see how it can enrich some peoples lives, but as for mine, please... lets cut it off. Like that leg... amputate it and please make life easier for me. Then I remember that this, this whole thing is a big part of me and it'll never ever just be shut off, cut off or wished away.

I don't know what I’m supposed to do. I love my wife and we have our problems but I know that life comes with problems, marriage isn't easy. If I didn't have my wife I would feel incomplete. I feel incomplete now, too. I'm puzzled and confused. Still it's comforting to know that there are that many people like me: stuck in the gray zone of needing something nearly unattainable. The bottom line is though, I've got the hots for my wife, as well as genuine love for her.

[How's your sex life?]

Sometimes we screw like hormonal teenagers and we'll have sex in the afternoons, before I go to work. I generally would refuse her because I felt that it made me sluggish and lazy at work... but it's actually put a pep in my step and it's increased my productivity. The afternoon sex sessions just keep getting better too.

The other day she jumped into the shower with me. That NEVER happens so it was a welcome surprise. Seeing her got me all hot and bothered so I started feeling her up... and SHE LET ME! Score! I pressed my self up against her and started pressing my cock up against her butt and other places. I was on cloud 9.

Another time I had been horny all day and after watching some old porn well off into the night, I was still in the mood despite having given up all hope to get laid. To my surprise my wife was horny and not at all tired. We started to have sex but something about it felt different, better. I can't put my finger on it, but something was completely different about this time. My excitement level was to the roof top.

Where does this leave me now? I've been pondering that. I'm still very much attracted to men but that night sure shook things up. Now I'm obsessing about my wife. I just want to crawl into bed and see if I can't make my way in between her legs.

The Straight Wife
We were married in September and only a few months later, in the following April I found evidence that he had been looking at profiles of gay men online. He assured me that he was only looking, just curious. I was devastated. We were newlyweds! I was so ashamed that I couldn't tell anyone. I didn't know what to do, so I just pretended like it didn't happen.

A couple of years went by, and our sex life really started declining. He was depressed a lot. He would tell me he didn't feel good, or his head hurt, or he was tired, or his stomach hurt in order to get out of sex with me. A couple times I would find evidence of him chatting online, but he assured me that it was only talking, that it didn't mean anything, and that he loved me so much. He would have sex with me for 2 weeks, then slowly our relationship would drift back to him avoiding intimacy with me. This went on for a couple years.

Eventually I told him that I needed intimacy and I threatened to cheat on him. His answer was to say that he was so sorry, and that he knew that he denied me intimacy. He promised that he would have sex with me regularly.

Of course, the sex was never regular, and he NEVER initiated it. We would have terrible fights about it. He would make me feel so bad for wanting sex. He would blame me for him not wanting it. I felt so conflicted because I wanted my marriage to work. When things were good, they were good, but when they were bad I was miserable. One day I just started praying, and I prayed to God that he would show me what to do. I begged him for a sign. Then, a few days after I prayed so fervently, some apps for gay men appeared on my phone. He didn't know that they'd be downloaded to my phone when I synced it. I confronted him, and of course he lied first then told me he was so sorry and he loves me so much. Again I didn't know what to do, so I told him that I needed time to think.

One night while he was sleeping, I took his phone and found out that he had another email account that I didn't know about, and saw emails dating back many months. I knew at that moment that I had to leave him. He talked to these men about doing the things with them that I wanted him to do with me..kissing, etc. I was so heartbroken.

I'm attempting to figure it all out, hoping that I can move in with my friend. Meanwhile my husband is begging me to stay. He promises to give me what I need, and if he can't then I can sleep with whomever I choose; although he has realized that he will never stop wanting to be with men.

He says he is bisexual and not gay...but I am done with that. I am done waiting on him to be what he says he will be. He says that he really means it this time because he never thought that I would leave him, but now that it is a reality he is willing to do whatever it takes.....what a slap in the face!!!

I am feeling sorry for myself lately. All I ever wanted was family and children and I'm scared that now I will never have that. I was so stupid all those years. I hope that I haven't wasted too much time on him. I think that I am just ashamed of the situation. I am an educated woman, I went to graduate school, how could I have given him so many chances? How could I have believed he would change?

Not all bisexual men are the same and not all bisexual married men can identify with the man quoted above. But many can.

Clearly, he loves his wife. Clearly, he desires his wife. Also, he recognizes that he is far from perfect and that his marriage has some issues. But, wow, isn't his story astoundingly different from hers???

He is not unique. Many bi-married men are stuck in their own mire and cannot see how their actions, or lack there of, directly affect the important people in their lives. This man, for example, believes that the biggest threat to his marriage is his attraction to men. But that's not why his wife wants to leave. She wants to leave because she feels undesired, "I am done waiting on him to be what he says he will be."

Many couples do not communicate about their sexual problems. This couple did. And, they both made a sincere effort to improve their intimacy. But their progress was always short-lived. Within two weeks they always fell back into the same pattern. Why? Because wanting to desire a woman 'enough' is not a substitute for actually doing it.

I believe that this couple's experience powerfully demonstrates four truisms that can often be applied to the marriages of bisexual men:

Attraction doesn't kill marriages, lack of attraction does.
This wife, and many like her, can accept a marriage to a bisexual husband. A surprising number of women are willing look the other way when it comes to infidelity. But even a faithful man's marriage will not endure unless his wife feels desired.

Labels don't matter. Any man who does not (or cannot) make his wife feel genuinely desired is on a slow but steady march to divorce court. This is true even if he is bisexual and even if he is straight. What a man believes about himself is irrelevant. He can be turned off by gay porn, and thereby be certain of his bisexuality, but if his wife does not feel authentically and regularly desired, he is no different to her than a gay man.

Lies matter. The reason this straight wife is angry is not so much that she unknowingly married a bisexual man, it's because he lied so often that he turned their marriage into a sad joke. Also, she's pissed that he wasted years of her life. Or more accurately, she's pissed at herself. The signs were there yet she ignored them.

Love is not enough. Pop culture and an untold number of fairy tales ingrain into us the certainty that love is enough to sustain a relationship. This is true. Love is what sustains many difficult relationships - how would teenagers be permitted to survive to adulthood without it?? As important as love is, most troubled marriages cannot be sustained on love alone. If there is no sexual desire, or not enough of it to be mutually satisfying, then the marriage will slowly unravel, like a ball of yarn. Friendships and families are sustained by love. The difference between those relationships and a marriage is not love, it's desire.

If you're reading this and you see something of yourself or your marriage in this couple's story, you might ask, what are you supposed to do about it? You love your wife, you married her with honest intentions, you have kids, you don't really want to live as an out gay man...what options do you have besides "keep on keeping on?"


One of those options, if handled correctly, should be a "win-win" - and no - it does not require that you tell your wife that you are attracted to men.

I will explain what this option is in a soon-to-come post. In the meantime, I look forward to reading your thoughtful comments.