Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Crazed with desire, continued

In my last post I wrote about a guy I recently met through mutual friends...

When I was first introduced to Jon I didn't feel any special connection or attraction to him.  He wasn't unattractive, he was just another guy.  But then, after getting to know him a little at several different social gatherings, I found myself noticing him.  Finally, the fourth time we met, I went from noticing him to being overcome with intense desire, all within the space of about two hours.

What made our fourth meeting different from the prior three was that we had our first one-on-one conversation.  It didn't last long, and we didn't talk about anything important, but ever since then I've been lit up like a super nova.

I've been struggling to understand why I suddenly and irrationally became infatuated with this guy. What makes him so special?  I mean, I've lusted over millions of men in the past but this is something completely different.  It's as if my intuition has gone haywire; like my subconscious knows that we're destined to be together.  At least that's how it feels.

Is this guy too skinny to appeal to most gay men over 40?
Objectively, it looks more like a big ol' helping of fantasy and wishful thinking.

In the days following our fourth meeting I did my best to clear my mind of Jon-obsessive thoughts.  I needed to come back to Earth so I could be reasonable and rational the next time I saw him; I had to discard all of my nonsensical fantasies and instead focus on reality.  I knew if I carefully observed his words, actions and body language I'd see the truth as it is, not as I wanted it to be.

It turned out that I saw him again much sooner than I expected - and that meant I was less prepared than I wanted to be.  I had a hard time controlling my fantasies.  Every few minutes a new one would pop into my head and I'd have to try to squash it by reminding myself to stay alert. "Focus, Cameron, focus!!!"

Despite being in a heightened state of arousal for hours, I don't think Jon or any of our friends noticed, which was good. Unfortunately, trying to get a read on Jon with all our friends there wasn't working.  We made eye contact a number of times but I couldn't tell if he felt the same connection that I did.

As the hours wore on I got increasingly frustrated.  My head was filled with questions and I was getting no answers.  Then, quite miraculously, all of our friends decided it was getting late and they were going home.  In an attempt to seize the opportunity to be alone with Jon I said to him, "I'm good for one more beer, if you are."

"Sure, I'll have another."

What?!!!  Miracles actually can happen?!

Well, guess what...one beer became two...and thirty minutes turned into ninety...

To say I was heaven the whole time is an understatement.  I got to spend ninety minutes having a very personal, very real one-on-one conversation with a guy I have the most intense crush on in thirty years.  When does anything that good ever happen???

Even better - the conversation was amazing.  The more he talked about his background and values, the more infatuated I became.  He's very smart, very open, very charming, very patient and extremely modest.  If I could choose personality traits to create a perfect guy, those are what I'd pick.

A story and a highlight:

About three minutes after we sat down this young, 20-something girl stumbled over to Jon and slurred to him, "I hayyyyte cheathas."  Feeling cornered, he replied, "Yeah, cheating is bad," and turned toward me. 

Maybe if the girl hadn't been so drunk she would've taken the hint that Jon did not want to talk to her.  Instead she cluelessly prattled on...and on...and on.  Soon she began to run her hand across his back and down his arm while trying to engage him in conversation.  At first he was very polite but eventually he just stared into his beer, not looking at either of us.  He couldn't look at the woman, because that would only encourage her to keep talking, and he wouldn't look at me, because I was grinning like the Cheshire Cat, fighting hard not to burst out laughing.  Eventually the girl wandered away, undoubtedly disappointed that Jon had resisted her feminine charm.

I found the incident to be very entertaining, for a few reasons.  First, it was funny that this drunk girl was so determined to hit on a guy who, obviously, wasn't in a gay bar to pick up women.  Second, it was awesome to watch Jon politely but firmly shut the girl down.  This was true not only because he did it with class, but also because he had previously told me that he found himself noticing women most of the time, not men. Although the girl was drunk, she was young and relatively attractive.  Pretty much any straight guy would have been all over her.  The fact that Jon wanted to dodge her, I think, says a lot about his sexuality.  And finally, I loved the fact that he clearly wanted to talk to *me* and not the girl.  Many of my other friends would have egged her on, just for the fun of it.

OK, I'll admit it.  What I most liked about the drunk girl was that Jon clearly choose me over her.  Ha!

When she finally left, I teased him and said, "Wow, she really likes you."

"Oh my god.  No.  Don't even say that.  She reminds me of an awful ex-girlfriend.  That's the last thing I need."

So I guess I didn't really win his attention after all.  Bah.

Anyway, that's how the conversation started but it got much better from there.

The highlight for me was when we were talking about his last girlfriend.  He's really fucked in the head about their break-up: they only dated for four months, he knows she's crazy, she's been stalking him...and yet...he still feels guilty about avoiding her.  "Why do you feel so guilty?" I asked him.

"Well, I guess I always try to be the best person I can be.  I always want to 'do the right thing,' you know?"

When he said those words I got goosebumps.  Since starting this blog, 'doing the right thing' has become my life philosophy.  To hear Mr. Perfect echo the same conviction was very freaky - and really awesome.

It was getting pretty late as we finished our second beer together.  I didn't want the conversation to end but it would've been weird to ask him to stay for another round.  Instead, while he was in the bathroom, I pulled out a business card and wrote my personal phone number and email address on it.  When he returned, I handed him the card and said, "Here's my contact information.  I have a very flexible schedule so if you ever have some free time and want to do something, let me know."  I made a point of being very matter-of-fact about it.  After all, we were supposed to be platonic friends having a beer.  I didn't want to risk ruining our budding friendship by hitting on him.  I figured, if he felt any degree of the connection that I did, he'd call.

We hugged goodbye, and maybe it was my imagination, but he seemed to hug me closer and more tightly than any of my friends do.

The next day, I fully expected to hear from him.  We really connected during the conversation, and even if he wasn't attracted to me, it still would have been appropriate to send a polite, "Thanks for the fun conversation" email.  And the responsibility to do that was totally on him since he did not give me his information.

Well...the days have ticked by and he still hasn't called, texted or emailed.  Normally I would say that proves he's not interested, but now that I know how he faults himself for everything, I can imagine him discounting my actions and feeling that it would be presumptuous of  him to call.

I'm taking solace in the hope that I'll get an answer the next time I see him.  This silliness can't drag on forever, it's exhausting.  If I continue to get a good vibe from him then I'll take the risk of humiliating myself by asking him out on a date.  I just need to be mentally prepared to be shot down before I take that risk.  If it ends up being an awkward conversation I'll need to be as chill and nonchalant about it as possible. 

Asking him out is going to be very difficult.  I really suck at dealing with rejection. 

Maybe if I'm able to psych myself up enough, I'll reach a point of healthy indifference and that will allow me to glide through any bad news.

Hmm.

Now that I think about it, maybe the lesson here is that if I can take rejection from Jon, I can take it from anyone.  If true, that would be a huge accomplishment. 

I've got to keep that alternative goal in mind.  Maybe I can gain something big from this experience no matter what happens.

More soon...