Saturday, January 26, 2013

"Fraternity Memoirs" - The Unpublished Finale

In a prior post I wrote about my favorite Internet story, Fraternity Memoirs.  It's a mostly-true tale about a college freshman and his crazy sexual experiences when he pledged a fraternity in the mid-'90s.  Written under the pen name of "John Walsh", the story has become a time-tested classic.  Although the last chapter was published in 2003, fans continue to scour the Internet on a daily basis hoping to find new installments.

When I wrote about Fraternity Memoirs recently, at least two younger bloggers checked it out and found themselves loving it too.  The story really is captivating, not only because of the very hot sex, but also because of the people involved.  They're real and the more you read, the more you want to know about them and what happens next.

Another reason Fraternity Memoirs has been so enduring is because it ends with a cliff-hanger: "to be continued..."  Only it never does!  The author, Walsh, had been posting new installments every few weeks and then, boom, he stopped writing without warning.  He had a huge number of fans, many of whom were severely disappointed that he wanted to retire.  For months they badgered him to publish a final installment and provide closure for the story and the characters.  Eventually he gave in.  Sort of.

Five months after publishing his last installment, Walsh agreed to be the "guest author" on an Internet chat session where he promised to finish the story.  The session was to be Walsh's big finale.  He wanted to take a bow and disappear, which is exactly what he did.

Because of the recent questions I received about Fraternity Memoirs, I decided to do some digging to see if I could find a log of Walsh's final chat session, and luckily, I found it!

The original log is very long and convoluted because it contains comments and channel notices of more than 50 participants in addition to Walsh.  To cut the length and make Walsh's story easier to follow, I have done some substantial editing. I've deleted most of the channel "noise" and rearranged a few sections to make the conversation flow more logically.  I could have edited it even more aggressively, and shared only the essential facts, but I kept a few of Walsh's funny exchanges because they make him real, which is very important because he's the hero of the story.

There are 23 published chapters of Fraternity Memoirs.  Most guys are hooked after the first installment, but trust me, they get hotter and more addictive from there.  Because I'm posting Walsh's *almost* final words below, I STRONGLY suggest that anyone who is curious about the story check it out before reading the log.  You can read all 23 installments HERE.

You might now be asking, "What's up with you saying that these are *almost* Walsh's final words?"

Well...thanks to a reader's comment below, I was able to find the extremely elusive three-part update he provided in June of 2006, more than two years after what he said below.  Although those truly were his final words about the story, the events he describes mostly take place BEFORE what he talks about below.  For that reason, if you want to read his story in chronological order, you should read THIS first, then read the chat log below.

Because Walsh has stopped by this blog at least once, I need to say: John, please let me know if you'd like anything below changed or removed.

Welcome to #niftywriters - In Honor of JustinCase our founder - Friend and Mentor (1956-2003)
Welcome Guest Author John Walsh on Saturday April 18 2004, 8 to 10 pm EDT

[John_e] Lots of people here already, huh?
[John_e] there is no OTHER "John Walsh"
[John_e] Though that's not really my name
[John_e] so I can't complain
[John_e] Like Leonardo, "I'm King of the world"
[John_e] or King of this room at least, for two hours...
[kip] lol

[kip] Welcome to nifty writers, it is my pleasure to welcome John Walsh our guest author of the classic Fraternity Memoirs

[kip] John how did you discover Nifty?
[John_e] Hmmm
[John_e] I was in Atlanta
[John_e] lonely
[John_e] horny
[John_e] and just hit it in a porn search
[Randu] how long ago was that?
[John_e] I moved to Atlanta without knowing anyone
[John_e] end of 99
[John_e] I moved because of a job, I got transferred down there

[kip] what started you or inspired you to write?
[John_e] I read like all the stories in a month ;)
[John_e] and stories just started to suck
[John_e] and no new good ones
[John_e] and I was complaining to the screen
[John_e] and then I was like well, like the pot calling the kettle black
[John_e] you haven't written anything
[John_e] so I started writing my story
[John_e] and as they say, the rest is history
[John_e] I had no idea, three years later, here I'd be

[kip] do you consider it to be autobiographical?
[John_e] yes, autobiographical
[John_e] about 80% of it true

[topcat_msu] what were you hoping to accomplish for yourself by writing the story...meaning, it had to be therapeutic in a way...were there reasons for going back in time?
[John_e] my intent was never to get into as much as I did
[John_e] it was going to be 3 or 4 chapters
[John_e] all sex (I hated story stories, I was at Nifty to get off)
[John_e] but when I sat down to write the first chapter
[John_e] I wrote 40 pages and no sex
[John_e] so I posted it and was like next chapter, all sex, I even said so at the end of the first chapter
[John_e] then another chapter, no sex
[John_e] My mind just started down memory lane
[John_e] I loved looking back and reliving, and it became a self journey
[John_e] it was therapeutic as there was a dark place in my mind, I don't look back often, and the story came out of that

[blah] John, can you talk a little about the special connection you often mentioned in regards to Kevin? esp the one time I guess you guys were on ecstacy and you had an epiphany or something...?
[John_e] OK, blah
[John_e] on Ecstacy, with Kevin
[John_e] hopefully you know how you feel on Ecstacy
[John_e] it was the first time that I realized that I was in love with Kevin
[John_e] and I told him that night
[DC] whoa
[John_e] it was actually the first time that I actually "loved" anyone
[ded1156] I dont remember that chapter
[John_e] it wasn't a chapter
[blah] it wasn't in the story
[John_e] it was in the synopsis
[John_e] maybe a chat
[John_e] gave some future details
[kip] oh i see

[blah] and how did Kevin respond?
[John_e] "I love you too"
[John_e] but not like for real
[John_e] and I said no, "I really love you"
[John_e] he mostly shrugged it off
[blah] so it wasn't reciprocated?
[John_e] he was not rolling
[John_e] this is first semester sophomore year, for a time line

[Bill_P] It appeared to me Kevin only got involved when "he wanted" and only for "his sexual satisfactions" Right John???
[John_e] its more complicated than that, Bill
[John_e] I think he did love me, but just couldn't fess up to it

[blah] so did this freak him out? or was he just unaffected by what you said?
[John_e] yeah, partly, but wasn't the loving kind, if you know what I mean
[John_e] just the way he is. and trust, me neither was I. I didn't want a relationship either, it was just the feeling of I love this guy, very much, like no one else
[John_e] and it took ecstasy for me to allow myself to understand that

[blah] John, were you in love w/anyone else in college besides Kevin?
[John_e] yes, I was, blah
[John_e] different loves, but yes.
[John_e] I loved Adam
[John_e] I loved Matt
[John_e] and a yet to be introduced character
[Bill_P] oooo the plot thickens! :u
[John_e] lol, Bill
[John_e] there are many characters to be introduced
[John_e] remember, its only my freshman year

[blah] John, so besides Kevin and Adam, were those the only characters in the story you had sexual relations with?
[John_e] depends on you definition of relations, blah
[John_e] I had sex with Adam one night only
[John_e] spring break sophomore year
[John_e] no, it wasn't spring break
[John_e] it was a couple of weeks b4 spring break
[John_e] but we were in Florida
[John_e] Daytona
[Bill_P] Yeah that's when you kidnapped Adam!
[John_e] yes, the kidnapping Adam story

[bath34] what is all this about an Adam story?
[topcat_msu] after john stopped writing last may, he wrote a few short synopsis of some of the story he hadn't told yet and posted it in an online group
[topcat_msu] i think there were three of them, one of which detailed a trip he and adam took to florida together
[John_e] the synopsis doesn't go far enough
[John_e] I wrote about Kevin messing with other people
[John_e] and me cathing him
[John_e] people meaning dudes
[bath34] with who?
[John_e] not important
[bath34] k
[John_e] and many of you thought that was the big "drama"
[John_e] it wasn't
[John_e] it hurt me though
[John_e] cause I thought that it was something special between us
[John_e] but I was wrong
[John_e] but I got over that
[bath34] good for you.

[blah] Who else did you fool around with?
[John_e] I physically messed around with Matt once
[John_e] but we did not fuck
[John_e] and Matt was at woodstock 99
[blah] Did it change your relationship w/matt (as friends)?
[John_e] no, Matt and I are still best friends
[John_e] we left it at woodstock, never discussed

[Bill_P] CJ as well??
[John_e] I did have a summer fling with CJ
[blah] holy shit!
[DC] big dicked CJ?
[kip] oh wow
[John_e] I have a good part of CJ written
[bath34] what does "fling" mean?
[blah] so much left... god damn you for stopping this story!! (kidding) :)
[John_e] summer before my Jr year
[John_e] CJ was supposed to go home
[John_e] I stayed up at the House
[John_e] CJs internship fell through
[John_e] so he stayed at the House but had no room
[John_e] he stayed with me
[John_e] for the summer
[John_e] he found a gay porn that I had
[John_e] he said it was in the VCR
[John_e] but I was pretty damn protective with that tape
[John_e] I think he was snooping
[John_e] so I had to deal with that...and a couple of drunk nights later
[John_e] we were in bed together
[John_e] but I really didn't want to, this was after the Adam and me thing turned bad and I didn't want that to happen with CJ

[John_e] this is a little embarrassing, talking to you live like this
[kip] well we want you to be comfortable John.
[Bill_P] Johnny... You are amongst friends here... Please..

[blah] what did you and CJ do? how did he handle it, after?
[John_e] first few times I just sucked CJ off
[John_e] the he started jerking nme off
[blah] oh, it was more than once w/CJ?
[bath34] fling, remember!!
[John_e] and evetually we fucked a few times
[DC] daaaaaaaaaamn, boy
[Bill_P] WOW my hat is off to you Johnny.
[bath34] did he bottom for you?
[John_e] yeah, the first time was rough, trust me
[blah] did he kiss, as well?
[DC] i can imagine (from the way you've described CJ's equipment)
[John_e] no kissing at first, but eventually he did
[John_e] but just in the heat of the moment
[John_e] we never kissed when we weren't drunk and in the heat of it all

[blah] were you able to maintain the friendship w/CJ after this summer?
[John_e] yeah, CJ was very cool about it

[steal] Can you tell us more about the thing with Adam?
[John_e] Adam is a very complicated person
[John_e] I'd say Adam is 80% straight
[John_e] the remaining 20% haunts him
[John_e] he was ready to graduate
[John_e] ready to go into the State Trooper academy
[John_e] ready to marry
[John_e] I think if I met Adam as a freshman, both of us freshman
[John_e] his life would be a lot different
[John_e] but you can't think that way, cause there had to be a "Kevin" in the mix
[John_e] so life is what it is

[DC] well . . . . I hate to denigrate Kevin . . . . . because, he's an intelligent guy
[DC] but if he's intelligent and not a complete bastard, didn't he realize what such a powerful sexual affect, being your first, was likely to happen? I mean, you guys were friends, too?
[John_e] Kevin is many people at one time
[John_e] concerned about himself only, really
[John_e] on the outside
[John_e] but he has this way of making you feel so special, even when he's shitting on you
[John_e] so I catch Kevin with another dude
[John_e] we get over it, he messes around, so I mess around with a few guys on campus
[John_e] this is the end of soph year
[John_e] but Kevin and I still get together
[John_e] first semester Jr year I am pledge master
[John_e] loved being pledge master
[John_e] I was evil
[John_e] but that's not the story
[EroticDreams] lol
[van_sama] lol
[John_e] early second semester
[Bill_P] I doubt that was true John.
[John_e] you have no idea till you are pledgemaster!
[John_e] the spirit takes over you
[John_e] and bam, you are mean as shit
[John_e] trust me, I was the baddest PM that frat ever saw, I'm known for it and surprised everyone

[John_e] so early Jr year
[John_e] at a party
[John_e] a newly initiated guy named Brian
[John_e] says he needs to talk to me
[John_e] I knew him since a freshman
[John_e] but he didn't pledge till he was a soph
[John_e] I rushed him hard
[John_e] but he wanted to wait
[John_e] but we stayed in touch
[John_e] then he pledged under me
[John_e] at the party he says hes got to talk to me about something
[John_e] I kind of blow him off cause I'm drunk and horny
[John_e] he says its really important
[John_e] so being the "dad" pledge master I say OK, I'll drive him home later
[John_e] later,on the drive he's all nervous
[John_e] I ask whats up
[John_e] he's stammering
[topcat_msu] was he drunk too?
[John_e] dodging
[John_e] yes, drunk too
[John_e] I really have no idea why
[John_e] and then he says.."I'm..."
[John_e] and in a split second I knew
[John_e] what he was going to say
[bath34] in love with you?
[John_e] No, he's gay
[bath34] :)
[kip] oh ...
[John_e] sad to say, I kind of freaked out
[John_e] I wanted to know why he was telling me
[John_e] did he know?
[John_e] and I asked him
[John_e] "Why you telling me and not your big?"
[John_e] he said he felt closer to me
[DC] naw, John . . . he knows something else . . . . .from Kevin?
[John_e] but I was cool
[John_e] no, he didn't know
[John_e] he didn't hit on me
[DC] wow
[John_e] he was just telling me
[John_e] he started crying
[John_e] it was sad
[topcat_msu] cuz he had no clue about u?
[John_e] I didn't tell him about me at first
[John_e] no clue

[John_e] I was the pledgemaster
[John_e] I was still fucking girls
[John_e] besides Adam, Kevin and CJ, no one else knew
[John_e] I thought it best he not tell everyone
[John_e] being so new in the fraternity
[John_e] he might not go over so well
[John_e] he agreed
[John_e] we stayed up all night talking about it
[John_e] at this point in my life, I was still timid about my "bi-sexuality"\
[John_e] I didn't hit on guys
[John_e] but I took it on occasions if it came my way
[John_e] Brian was pretty hot
[John_e] looks like that guy from Party of 5
[DC] jeez, Scott Wolff?
[John_e] yeah
[van_sama] woof
[John_e] must confess thats why I rushed him so hard
[jimmyz] lol
[DC] sorry but Scott Wolff would make a few str8 guys wonder . . .
[John_e] so anyway
[John_e] knowing what I know
[John_e] I know I got to get me some of that
[topcat_msu] lol
[DC] lol
[John_e] but didn't have the balls
[John_e] so we were hanging out one night
[John_e] after I party I went back to his place
[John_e] I pretended to be wasted
[John_e] and passed out though not really
[John_e] see if he would pull on me what I did to Adam
[John_e] and he did
[bath34] was he still a pledge?
[John_e] no, he was in,. this is second semester
[John_e] so he started touching me and shit
[John_e] I pretended to wake up
[John_e] and in my "drunk state" we fooled around
[John_e] the next day I came clean
[John_e] not about specifics, just that I had been with a few guys before
[John_e] so we started messing around regularly
[John_e] I pushed Kevin to the side
[John_e] need to step back again
[van_sama] oooh...i bet he took that well...
[John_e] end of soph year I took this girl that was totally into me
[John_e] to my formal
[John_e] don't burn psycho chicks
[John_e] we fucked, she wanted more, I didn't
[John_e] wasn't good
[John_e] back to Brian
[John_e] one night we are messing around in his room
[John_e] I assume the door is locked
[John_e] right in the midst of fucking
[John_e] walks in Ms. Formal
[DC] ooooh shit
[Bill_P] OH Shit dude...
[van_sama] oh damn
[John_e] her face drops
[Bill_P] Whoa... caught in the act..
[John_e] and she walks out
[John_e] I yell at Brian, you don't lock the door?
[John_e] and jumped up, towel around waist and run after her
[bath34] did she out you?
[John_e] typical story, this is my first time
[John_e] don't tell anyone
[John_e] begging and pleading
[John_e] she says she won't
[John_e] but this is a scorn woman
[John_e] so things are cool for a couple of days
[John_e] I tell Brian no more
[John_e] too close
[John_e] paranoid at first, but after the second day, no rumor, all is cool
[John_e] NOT
[DC] uh oh
[John_e] like the next day, people are looking at me weird
[John_e] whispering
[John_e] the entire greek community knows
[bath34] omg
[jimmyz] damn
[DC] oh man
[John_e] I should nention that I am VP
[Bill_P] Damn John.
[John_e] we also got our charter back
[van_sama] daaaamn
[John_e] and I am the Secretary of the IFC
[Bill_P] Holy Fuck!
[John_e] so I am known
[John_e] it spread like wild fire
[DC] damn
[John_e] I walk to me group in the Student Center and everyone is weird
[John_e] its Matt that takes me away and says do I know whats going on?
[John_e] and I knew
[John_e] I thought I was going to puke right there
[John_e] to cut to the chase
[John_e] I didn't admit anything
[John_e] bitch was friends with Brian
[John_e] and she didn't see him
[John_e] just me and some guy

[ded1156] So Brian set this up?
[John_e] no, he had nothing to do with it
[DC] had you and Matt fooled around, any, at that point?
[John_e] no, this was b4 matt and I

[John_e] so I lock myself in my room in the house for about a week
[John_e] I drank so much
[John_e] surprised I'm not dead
[John_e] I cried a week
[John_e] people would knock on the door and I would say go away
[John_e] my greatest fear was people knowing
[John_e] and now everyone knew
[John_e] I thought about suicide
[jimmyz] wow
[John_e] thought about just leaving
[Bill_P] WOW...
[John_e] never letting my parents or anyone know where I was

[John_e] first day I'm in my room, about half way through a bottle of Vodka
[John_e] I left Kevin a message
[John_e] he come by later
[John_e] I'm so glad to see him
[John_e] I'm crying my eyes out
[John_e] and says to me
[John_e] "You better not tell anyone about us"
[DC] ohhh shit
[DC] that's it? that's what he said?
[bath34] figures
[John_e] not good
[John_e] he was no help
[kip] aww gosh
[John_e] so I'm alone
[John_e] or so I think
[John_e] Adam is graduated and we don't really talk anymore
[John_e] Matt wants to come in, but I won't let him
[John_e] I'm too embarassed
[John_e] Brian says he will tell everyione that it is him
[John_e] I told him no
[John_e] don't, no need to
[John_e] so about a week goes by
[John_e] rumors flying everywhere
[John_e] its a Sunday
[John_e] Matt breaks my door down
[DC] good for him
[John_e] he says that the meeting tonight is about me
[John_e] what they are going to do
[John_e] I need to say something
[John_e] I tell Matt that I am leaving school
[John_e] and Matt tells me that I can't leave
[John_e] that I am the heart and the soul of the Fraternity
[DC] good man
[kip] very Good!
[John_e] and that it doesn't matter
[John_e] its me
[John_e] and everyone will support me, true or not true
[John_e] tears from my eyes right now
[ded1156] Great Friend
[John_e] whew
[John_e] OK

[John_e] so I still don't have the strength at first
[John_e] they go to the meeting
[John_e] I have U2 on
[John_e] and a song comes on
[John_e] Bad
[John_e] if you don't knmow it
[John_e] awesome song
[John_e] Talks about "I'm not sleeping"
[John_e] meaning I am alive
[Bill_P] What Song?
[John_e] Bad by U2
[John_e] I played it again
[blah] "if i could, yes i would, let it go" that song
[John_e] and again
[John_e] and again
[John_e] and it made me mad and burn inside
[John_e] so I got dressed and went to the meeting on campus
[John_e] I walked into the meeting
[John_e] place went quiet
[John_e] 100 guys in there
[John_e] and I admitted it
[DC] wow
[kip] oh wow
[bath34] amazing courage at your age
[John_e] I told everyone I was gay
[John_e] and though I wasn't certain that I was gay
[John_e] in my mind, at that moment I was
[kip] that was really brave
[van_sama] very
[John_e] I gotta tell you
[EroticDreams] yeah really.. telling 100 guys at once wow
[John_e] it was rough
[John_e] but everyone supported me
[John_e] not everyone
[John_e] but most
[Love] thats great...
[John_e] now the other greeks
[John_e] and the girls
[John_e] thats a differnt story
[John_e] I was gay to everyone
[John_e] I started going to class again
[John_e] it was rough
[John_e] the IFC meeting
[John_e] lol
[John_e] funny
[John_e] I knew I was really out when I had in my mailbox
[John_e] a letter from out Gay Group
[John_e] on campus
[John_e] asking me to be their president
[Bill_P] Wow!!
[bath34] not only am I a member, but the president!
[John_e] lol
[John_e] they have a stupid acronym name
[John_e] but I saw it right away and was like, "what the fuck?"
[John_e] so anyway
[John_e] let me finish this real quickly
[John_e] Kevin did not out me
[John_e] but I outed Kevin
[John_e] and it was an accident
[tyrone_at] omg
[John_e] a drunk night
[John_e] I was so angry
[John_e] and I was telling Matt the whole story
[John_e] and someone over-heard
[DC] shit, JW . . . you're the unluckiest guy around . .
[John_e] honestly, Matt would not have told anyone
[John_e] I just said it a bit too loud
[John_e] and for Kevin, well
[John_e] they weren't as accepting
[John_e] he wasn't shunned
[John_e] but his "generation" was mostly graduated
[John_e] a lot of people didn't like him from the start
[John_e] and when people found out the whole story
[John_e] and that he let me go about the whole thing alone
[John_e] that didn't go over well, Brotherly love, Depend on a Brother and all
[John_e] so Kevin and I beat the shit out of each other
[John_e] a few times
[John_e] I have a big scar on my forehead from him
[John_e] it was rough
[John_e] tough on our Fraternity because we were constantly fighting or not talking
[John_e] and it was a love hate relationship
[John_e] and trust me, we fucked, hard, a couple of more times
[John_e] but after our last brawl, we didn't speak for about three years
[John_e] a couple of years ago, "we made" up
[John_e] I haven't seen him in about a year
[John_e] but we were cordial when we saw each other
[DC] wait, you still had episodes where you guys had intense sex, during all these ups and downs?
[John_e] no, no sex
[John_e] but he looked good

[John_e] He lives in Manhattan
[John_e] I hear he has a BF now
[Bill_P] KEWL
[DC] is he still attracted to women, at all?
[John_e] as far as I know DC, no

[John_e] last time I was with Kevin, I introduced him to my BF
[John_e] it was weird
[John_e] really weird
[John_e] I never told my BF all this
[DC] yeah, JW, I can imagine
[John_e] and he had no idea who I was introducing him too
[DC] very surreal
[DC] wow
[kip] Oh gosh, yeah would be weird
[John_e] it was
[John_e] but I'm not with that BF anymore

[theschnauzers] john did you and adam ever make up or is that a lost friendship?
[John_e] Adam and I...
[John_e] I was at Adam's wedding
[John_e] I was surprised that I was invited
[John_e] Adam never hated me
[John_e] we talked about it
[John_e] right after
[John_e] he had his own issues
[John_e] and it became weird
[John_e] too weird for me
[John_e] and I took all the blame at first
[John_e] and then I was like
[John_e] I can't deal with it
[John_e] let it go
[John_e] and we just drifted apart
[John_e] he rarely came back after he graduated
[John_e] next generation came up in the frat
[John_e] I was the the new "Adam"
[John_e] the top dog
[John_e] and the mind quickly forgets
[John_e] or chooses to forget
[Bill_P] Well you had a good teacher "BIG" wise!
[John_e] lol
[John_e] I see Adam a couple of times a year
[John_e] he has two kids
[John_e] still married
[John_e] lives at the Jersey shore where he's a cop
[John_e] but I don't talk to him on the phone or anything

[John_e] LOL, my sister got pulled over by him
[John_e] on her way to AC
[John_e] and he was Like, ""Walsh", John "Walsh's" sister?"
[kip] lol
[John_e] and she said yes and he let her go no ticket
[John_e] said to say hello
[Cadoimond] I take it John_e lives in Jersey?
[John_e] I live in Jersey now, yes

[John_e] wow, that was a little sad for me
[John_e] some tears as I typed
[van_sama] thanks for sharing that with us
[John_e] but feeling good that it is all out there
[DC] yeah, man . . . . we understand
[John_e] and I'd like to add
[John_e] that as being an "out" guy on campus, my Sr year my frat voted me President
[DC] sweet
[kip] Oh wow Cool!
[John_e] says alot about me and them

[bh] So John, the story's done. Bring us up to date. A new BF???
[John_e] no, no BF
[John_e] I was dating a guy recently for a couple of weeks, but it ended
[John_e] I still have serious sexual preference problems
[John_e] I feel trapped in my past
[John_e] and I feel like I could start dating girls maybe again
[John_e] but people would go crazy
[John_e] and I don't know and don't want to hurt anyone
[John_e] allow a girl to fall in love with me and then decide, nah, I actually do like guys
[John_e] I made my bed
[John_e] I need to sleep in it
[John_e] I am where I am
[John_e] I'm not unhappy
[John_e] I wonder
[John_e] but I'll stay gay

[daz3d] what if you allow a guy to fall in love with you and decide, nah, i actually like girls?
[John_e] well thats the problem
[John_e] I think I love guys
[John_e] then I get all weirded out in guy relationships and bail
[John_e] trust me, no one here wants a relationship with me

[John_e] its not just the "girls" that stop me
[John_e] its me too
[John_e] I went through so much confusion
[John_e] and I don't want to go through it again
[John_e] and I feel like I could like girls, but I don't know, some girls still turn me on, but I don't want the head games with myself again, so I'll just stay where I am

[steal] what about Adam and Andy?
[John_e] Adam and Andy?
[John_e] Oh, Adam and Andy
[John_e] yes yes
[John_e] Adam and Andy were in the tent together when they pledged
[John_e] yes, they fooled around
[DC] wow
[DC] how'd you find out?
[John_e] Adam told me that
[John_e] we were stoned to the beach when he told me
[John_e] thats when he told me that I told him I was hooking up with Kevin when we went canoeing
[John_e] this was summer betw Frsh and Soph year
[DC] right, you didn't totally remember telling him that
[John_e] I actually don't remember telling him at all
[John_e] its his memory that is my memory
[DC] heh heh
[kip] oh hehe
[John_e] actually, when I told Adam about Kevin, I was on shrooms

[bath34] do you still use a lot of drugs/alcohol John?
[John_e] no, I social drink
[John_e] smoke a joint maybe once a month
[John_e] and that's it
[John_e] though I was doing nitrus balloons at the last DMB concert

[John_e] you guys made me laugh...
[John_e] after the Spring Break chapter
[John_e] I got a lot of e-mails about how much I dranks and did drugs
[John_e] and how bad it was for me
[John_e] and I was like, you guys have no idea, I'm just getting started

[DC] I can't remember if you had any mood enhancers when you and Adam hooked up
[John_e] drunk, DC
[DC] so, he had an out?
[John_e] no, he didn't
[John_e] it was just he and I, and we knew
[John_e] we had a canoe trip the weekend afer finals, second semester, every year, as a send off to the Seniors. We camped out the night
[John_e] that Sunday was always Mothers Day, and trust me, my mom was never pleased about it
[John_e] I'd be in bed all day
[DC] heh heh, can imagine

[Bill_P] BTW did you fair well in your studies there at school John?
[John_e] lol
[John_e] no, Bill
[John_e] I graduated
[John_e] 5 year program
[John_e] never went to class
[John_e] I sold most of my books back not even opened
[John_e] I had the experience of life, the best experience of all

[steal] Why did you stop writing FM?
[John_e] I stopped for a few reasons:
[John_e] 1) It was taking over my life
[John_e] 2) Being auto-biographical, my mind was going places it hasn't visited in awhile, and it was emotionally stressing
[John_e] 3) Needed to be more ahead looking than back looking
[John_e] and lastly, 4) New job and started dating someone new, so I needed to concentrate on that

[kip] do you hope to continue at some point in future ?
[kip] cause you have a dedicated base of fans :)
[John_e] I have no intent to continue the story at this time
[kip] awww :(

[John_e] I have another reason for stopping, if I could add...
[John_e] 5) its daunting. I have a lot to tell, it gets bad, and I'm afraid of the effort and time its going to take to tell
[John_e] so I'm taking the easy way out and stopping :)

[hal] Dude, what do you mean the Fraternity Memoirs is done? The last chapter ends with "to be continued...."
[John_e] its done my man
[John_e] its like a weight off my shoulders
[John_e] it was a lot of pressure
[John_e] having all you fuckers out there waiting
[kip] LOL
[bath34] lol
[John_e] and wanting
[kip] well we really appreciate your efforts
[daz3d] you were brilliant
[kip] it brought a lot of feelings back from my own college experience....
[topcat_msu] ditto kip
[van_sama] i think it came out better that way, stroke stories are a dime a dozen
[van_sama] true stories are a a treasure
[DC] well, the sex is great . . . . but the attraction, for most people, was the overall story . . . and the character development . . . . (then the sex was better)

[hal] But you and Kevin haven't even fucked in the story, right? Wasn't it all building up to that?
[John_e] I don't know, Hal, for you, it might have been about getting to me and Kevin fucking. For me, it was getting to the outed part
[John_e] and when I looked at how far and how much I had to tell to get there
[John_e] it was just too much to do
[John_e] and there is so much I haven't told here
[John_e] like getting fucked the first time
[John_e] and the knocks on my door, after I was outed, from brothers
[John_e] suddenly curious
[John_e] and I'd have to say no

[Bill_P] Oh Really??? What did them frat bros want to know john??
[John_e] they wanted a BJ
[Bill_P] Oh... Just curious John. It sounds like they were lined up in the hall. :)
[John_e] no, not like that
[John_e] but people would come in
[John_e] sit down
[John_e] late at night
[John_e] start talking BS
[John_e] no need for then to be in my room that late
[John_e] and I knew what it was about
[John_e] waiting for me to suggest maybe
[John_e] and it wasn't everyone
[John_e] and generally it was a flat no
[John_e] not to say that I didn't maybe take a couple of guys up ;)

[bath34] do you mind saying how you lost your viginity?
[John_e] I got fucked the first time, for real, 1st semester soph year
[John_e] I say first time because I tried once that summer, but it just didn't work
[John_e] Kevin was the first to fuck me
[John_e] But I fucked Bobby before I got fucked
[bath34] who's Bobby?
[bath34] Oh that home guy
[John_e] Yeah, the guy from the club

[John_e] Kevin "got" me lots.
[John_e] and the sad thing
[John_e] after all that heppened
[John_e] when I jerk off
[John_e] I think of Kevin
[John_e] ;(
[DC] damn
[John_e] just the sex
[John_e] not the emotions

[topcat_msu] john, did anyone else come out on their own after you were outed, and besides kevin's outing? what about brian?
[John_e] Yes, Brian did come out
[John_e] after me but b4 Kevin
[topcat_msu] was he received well?
[John_e] and we had one other guy pledge and come out later, when I was a senior
[daz3d] did he tell people it was him who was with you
[John_e] people put 2 and 2 together about Brian and I
[John_e] as after I admitted it, they remembered that the weeks b4 I was suddenly hanging out with Brian A LOT

[steal] john can you tell us about any of your littles and did you have encounter with them?
[John_e] I had a little
[John_e] and I took him way too early
[John_e] I was only a second semester sophomore
[John_e] this guy was so hot
[John_e] I just had to have him as my liitle
[John_e] but I had no business taking a little that young
[John_e] but I did
[John_e] and was not the greatest of bigs
[John_e] too concerned with partying
[John_e] but nothing ever happened between us sexually

[topcat_msu] john, do the characters in the story know of the story? especially kevin..?
[John_e] No one know about the story as it is
[John_e] that it is here for you all to read
[John_e] or that it is sexual
[John_e] but I have called a few of the guys to check up on my facts
[John_e] how did this happen again?
[kip] lol
[John_e] and I told them that I was writing a memoirs about pledging
[John_e] but just for me

[ded1156] Would you consider telling them about the story?
[John_e] no, I don't think I'll ever tell anyone
[John_e] everyone knows their piece
[John_e] but not others
[John_e] no one knows about Adam and I
[John_e] so it wouldn't be fair to Adam
[John_e] no one knows about Matt
[John_e] so it wouldn't be cool

[ben_hasnen69] i'm sure you have gone over this already, but could you describe briefly where each of the characters are now (incl u) with out giving away too much obviously!
[John_e] CJ is a school teacher
[John_e] dating, but not married
[John_e] Evan is also a school teacher
[John_e] got married last August
[John_e] awesome wedding
[John_e] we are still best friends Evan and I, besides Matt
[John_e] Matt is a trader
[John_e] married
[John_e] hate his wife
[John_e] lol
[ded1156] lol
[van_sama] lol
[John_e] not really
[John_e] I tease her all the time though
[John_e] they are trying hard to have a kid
[John_e] but not successful yet
[John_e] as he says, his boys don't swim

[daz3d] she knows about matt and you?
[John_e] no, she doesn't know
[John_e] I just tease her that I'm in love with her husband
[kip] lol
[John_e] which I'm not

[hal] Have you been with any current frat boys lately?
[John_e] well, after graduating
[John_e] I worked in a restaurant for like 6 months
[John_e] kind of lost what to do with a Poli Sci major
[John_e] continued my substance abuse
[John_e] became a "club Kid"
[John_e] to a certain extent
[John_e] more one night stands than you can imagine

[Rhyolite] John: was there anything specific that turned you away from drugs and
"club kid" life?
[John_e] reality, Rhyo
[John_e] responsibilty
[Bill_P] I guess, Money, Health and your Job Eh??
[John_e] pretty much

[John_e] my mom forced me to take the job with my uncle and I was never a failure, so I couldn't get fired, I just needed someone to get me out of the college mode and into the real life
[John_e] sobered up quickly
[John_e] moved up in the company
[John_e] was offered a management position in Atlanta
[John_e] took it
[John_e] lived down there a couple of years to prove myself
[John_e] got moved back here a year ago
[John_e] better job
[John_e] I work in telecom
[John_e] finance in telecom
[John_e] manage a few states
[John_e] do pretty good

[ded1156] How old are you now?
[John_e] 30

[John_e] relationship wise
[John_e] never too successful
[John_e] had one three year realtionship that broke off the first time I quit the story
[John_e] and been single since
[John_e] enjoying it
[John_e] slowly getting back to the old JW and starting to date again
[John_e] no one night stands, not anymore
[Bill_P] Good for you John.
[John_e] I never really dated
[John_e] like in college
[John_e] so I'm looking forward to just dating and being relaxed with who I am

[John_e] anyone interested in hearing a story I am toying with?
[ded1156] YES
[John_e] there would be some sex
[John_e] but not really graphical details
[John_e] not for Nifty
[John_e] this may be my first attempt at a novel
[kip] oh cool
[John_e] still formulating
[John_e] but generally
[John_e] a guy in college
[John_e] maybe a jock
[John_e] maybe frat
[John_e] maybe not
[John_e] not sure
[John_e] but he meets the love of his life at school
[John_e] was never out
[John_e] but thought he may be gay
[John_e] falls in love with this guy
[John_e] and comes out to his family
[John_e] family does not take it well
[John_e] and why I am thinking he is some kind of a jock
[John_e] as it has huge ramifications
[John_e] but in college
[John_e] college jock
[John_e] so this guy gets in a bad accident
[John_e] maybe a car
[John_e] in this accuident
[John_e] he almost dies
[John_e] but makes it out
[John_e] but has lost all his memory
[John_e] and he forgets that he is gay
[John_e] and he has the BF
[John_e] but he doesn't believe it
[John_e] and his family is not sure what to do
[John_e] maybe not tell him?
[John_e] if he doesn't remember
[John_e] maybe he never will
[John_e] I'm playing with the gay because of genes vs environment
[gaz] interesting !
[John_e] kind of a reversal coming out
[John_e] whenever his friends and shit tell him he is gay, but he doesn't want to be anymore
[John_e] no, not lite reading
[John_e] I have to do a lot of research
[John_e] but I think it could be awesome
[John_e] and I'm not sure how I want to end it
[John_e] stay straight or fall back in love with his BF
[daz3d] it's an awesome idea
[steal] Sounds like you will never stop writing.

[John_e] as far as continuing FM goes, never say never
[John_e] I may get back to it
[John_e] right now, no
[John_e] but maybe someday

[Bill_P] Johnny... I want to thank you for your time and your active participation to the questions.
[John_e] you're welcome
[kip] John this has been a wonderful evening discussing a truely remarkable story
[John_e] thanks Kip
[John_e] and I now have the award for the most users?
[kip] well this is a major "Classic" on Nifty!
[kip] LOL
[John_e] classic, huh? makes me feel old, lol
* Kip hands John W an certificate of award for most attendees!
[ded1156] do you have an acceptance speach
[John_e] yes, I do have an acceptance speech...
[John_e] "Thank you and blow me!"
[kip] LOL
[jamuspsu2000] is that an invitiation? :-P
[ded1156] LOL it would be my pleasure
* Kip gets down on knees
[EroticDreams] lol
[EroticDreams] KIP! *OMG*
* EroticDreams laughs
[John_e] you may need some knee pads, Kip, you'll be down there awhile :p
[kip] definitely would make my day, lol

[jamuspsu2000] FM is actually the only serial that i've ever really read.
[John_e] lol, some guy told me he read all 20 something chs in one sitting
[John_e] thats crazy
[jamuspsu2000] it's a long long story. i did that one night when i was supposed to be writing a paper.
[John_e] read a whole story in one sitting, jamus? which one?
[jamuspsu2000] i read FM in one sitting, i mean.
[jamuspsu2000] while i was supposed to be writing a paper.
[John_e] damn, your ass must have been killing you
[jamuspsu2000] not, maybe, the best use of my time, but that's kinda what college is about.
[John_e] how long did it take you?
[jamuspsu2000] not really sure.... cuz i was writing the paper before and then i finished it after. it was like a year and a half ago.
[jamuspsu2000] but i was exhausted. went to class, handed in the paper, and left.
[John_e] lol
[John_e] hope you papers weren't sticky when you handed it to the prof
[jamuspsu2000] haha. nope. it wasn't ever as much of a j/o story to me as it was a fraternity memoir.... i was an out fraternity president too.

[ben_hasnen69] Hey John.. just wanted to say that i am a huge fan...thanks for all your writing! I don't know how many times i have read each chapter but of luck to u in the future
[John_e] Thanks Ben
[John_e] that means a lot to me
[John_e] you guys have been awesome
[John_e] this journey has been much more than I ever anticpated
[bath34] No John YOU'RE Awesome!!!!
[John_e] the heart pouring e-mails I received, a couple of people on the verge of suicide b4 finding my story, you'll never know what that means to me
[kip] oh wow that is great to have touched so many lives
[John_e] that I could help with what was just meant to be a quick spank story b4 I actually started putting my words down
[kip] well you have created a "Nifty Classic"

[John_e] all right guys. thanks for the forum
[John_e] stay well and keep on writing or reading
[jamuspsu2000] Thank you, John! You stay well also.
[Todd] John_e, thanks so muchy again :)
[Todd] my best wishes for you :)
[ded1156] John, thanks again for tonight. I hope someday you pick back up on FM
[John_e] thanks
* John_e has quit IRC (Quit: chat today at


  1. Great, now I'm going end up spending a lot of time reading this. This is what happens whe I find something either in the midst or at the end: I just start from the beginning and keep going until I'm caught up. It's happened with people's YouTube accounts, blogs, etc., and it lasts anywhere from days to weeks. Here we go again.


  2. after i finished reading the published stories i did do some hunting and found this 'wrap up chat' on my own. this guy is definitely fascinating. small world that you were in that group of ardent fans that got to hear a little more from his life. i was intrigued by what he said in the chat that he felt a little trapped being stuck with the gay label and could never go back to trying to date a woman if he wanted. overall he sounds like a real nice guy and i hope he's found someone to be happy with after all these years.

    1. I was able to IM with him very soon after he began writing. We had a very interesting conversation. He was fascinated by my story of coming out to my wife, leaving her for a guy for two months, and then getting back together. He liked the idea that I was able to 'successfully' shake off the gay label and return to a fulfilling straight life.

      Our conversation was in 2001, two years before the 'wrap up chat' above. At that time he was very regretful that he had accepted the gay label so quickly. He said he constantly thought about what would have happened if he hadn't been outed.

      Two years later, in the chat above, he seemed much more comfortable with his orientation. Technically, he's probably bisexual but he's self-aware enough to realize that getting too deeply involved with a woman could turn ugly.

      Last year he stopped by this blog and left a 'thank you' comment. I replied and hoped he would respond so I could ask for another update but I didn't hear back. Maybe, someday, he'll start writing again.

  3. I am so glad I found this conversation. The thoughts had crossed my mind on what had happened to the characters in the story so many times. This is much more fitting than the cliff hanger ending. It is amazing how one event in college can change everything.

    Thanks for posting man. It was awesome.

  4. I saw this when you first posted it and I finally found the time to finish all of it. This is such a good story! Thanks for sharing! As a gay college student, I wish my college experience was that "active" and that much fun haha. I know he had a lot of problems but I always imagined my college years to be fun and exciting like this, but they've just been filled with work and being miserable. Great post, you should definitely tell us if you know of any other good stories like this one.

  5. Thanks for posting this. I have read his stories on nifty more than a few times and always wished there were more. I recently joined his yahoo group but it obviously hasn't been used in a long time. would love to read the few stories he posted in there

  6. do you have the link to few installments he only shared with a few readers? i just found these stories the other day and would love to read more.

    1. As best I can remember, Walsh shared between one and three partially written installments in a Yahoo group in late 2002. Yahoo deleted the group not long afterward, not because of anything he wrote but because other group members had posted naked and/or copyrighted pictures. The only way those fragments could still be around is if someone downloaded them to their computer. As far as I know, no one did that, or if they did, they've kept them private or forgot they had them. I'm sure Walsh still has them, and a few years ago he said he "might" start writing again, but he hasn't yet. I still hope he will someday.

      Short answer: there is no link; they are no longer on the 'net.

  7. i'm in school in NYC...anyone have "John Walsh's" email? would love to reach out and share my experience--his resonates with mine quite a bit.

    1. Although Walsh hasn't published anything in more than 10 years, he's still an Internet sensation. Can you imagine what it would be like to be him and receive hundreds of emails a month for something you wrote 12 years ago? This is my way of saying, you can email him at but who knows if that email address still works or if he ever checks it or if he'll ever answer you. That email address is the only one he's ever published.

    2. yeah, i tried but the email is no longer active. thanks twolives!

  8. i wish somebody would post the rest of the things he shared with the group of fan or whatever, SOMEBODY'S GOTTA HAVE IT, search every hard drive people, wouldn't want to waste an awesome touching story like this,:(

    i must have read all 23 chapters over 20 times and i still get very emotional when i read it.........

  9. His email no longer works. Is there any way of knowing if he continued the story?

    1. He hasn't published anything in more than 10 years. I seriously doubt he'll publish anything again.

      Another good story (but not as good as FM) is Adam Phillips' "Cross Currents" He says it's fiction, and I'm sure parts of it have been embellished and changed, but it's mostly a true story.

  10. You can find a continuation here [] that describes the trip John and Adam's trip to Daytona. I've read a few different places that there are three parts total of this "synopsis" that Walsh used to wrap up the story, but this is the only one that I could find. And, of course, it ends with "to be continued..." If the owner of this blog could attempt to look back into some old hard drives and find the last two parts, that would be really, really appreciated by probably a very large number of people. I really need some more closure.

    1. Billy! You're a god. I thought FMagain2 was nuked many years ago. I was a member when it happened. How could I have not known that it was reinstated?

      I'm so excited by this find that I've only skimmed what's there. My first reaction is that what's posted is the compilation of at least two, and possibly even all three of his last posts. This may be all there is to be found.

      As for checking old hard drives, I bought a piece of hardware specifically to do that. Unfortunately, several of the drives could not be read and the ones that could did not yield any results.

  11. how do i join the new yahoo group, it keeps saying i need to be a member :/
    tell me quick pls :D

  12. i just found how to do dont use the link diretcly [] cuz theres an age resticiton thingy click this n join first

  13. does anybody know whether he wrote the book he talked about about the guy who 'forgets hes gay' just wondering.........

  14. Posit Devil's Advocate - he didn't quit offering material out of any failing but because somebody bashed the crap out of him. Which isn't ordinarily of itself a moral impetus, but clearly gave rise to a communication issue which took several years to resolve with the other individual. If you've been knocking around Manhattan these past few years and paid attention to published writers, you'll have figured out who he is, and also why his identity is never going to see the light of day...

    1. what book has he written?

  15. Published writing could mean anything.

  16. Ok you obviously know something juicy, rdiac1 ;)

  17. tell us more rdiac1

  18. I just discovered this story a few days ago and I'm hooked! I've read it all and am starting it again for the second time. I know it's been asked before in earlier comments but does anyone have any idea how to contact "John"? I'd love to let him know how much his story has resonated with me.

  19. I just discovered FM and read through the entire thing (and the material on this blog) staying up all night. Wow, just, wow. Of course I enjoyed it erotically, but this story felt like so much more to me. The character development is superb and JW writes straight from his heart. I would read the rest of his memoirs even if he skipped over every sex scene. I think that this story (especially with the parts discussed on the blog post) would make an awesome movie.

    It's weird to think about it, but JW will be turning 40 this year (assuming that he was born in '76 as he used that on his email and it lines up with college in the 90s). So much has changed over the last two decades. I'm writing just days after the SCOTUS marriage ruling. I'm proud that public attitudes have shifted so much, and I am grateful that my own exploration of sexual identity was never this emotionally wrecking. At my large public university every fraternity has a few openly gay members and no one blinks an eye. In fact some of the most popular guys are out and gay (kind of like JW). There is still stigma around bisexuality, and that needs to be worked on.

    I hope that whatever JW is doing with his life, he is happy. I would only want him to return to FM if writing it would continue to make him happy. I really hope that he has been able to find love and resolve his bisexuality. A life update from JW would be great, but I get that it's probably fairly creepy having such a following a decade and a half after you wrote something.

    The sad part for me is that the published material is only 2/3 of the way through his first year and he did 5 years of college. He's covered less than 15% of his journey. Of course this fact makes it evident why finishing FM would be incredibly daunting.

    Whatever rdiac1 knows seems really juicy. JW is a talented writer, and I hope he has put that skill to use. I've contemplated trying to figure out what college JW went to and the fraternity (we know the general area and could put together the rest), but I want to respect his privacy.

    I'm addicted. Finishing FM yesterday has left me with an extreme longing for more. It's been on my mind at work and at home. I think the word for it is "saudade". I have found the original Yahoo Group and have yet to make my way through the older posts, but everything in the past 5 years seems to be spam. It seems like the FM2 and FMagain groups have been deleted. If anyone has access to more material or a group of fans (active or achieved), please send them my way.

    If you have any info, contact me on my reddit account: (ha, this is the one I mostly use for porn, I have another). Shoot me a message even if you don't have more info and just want to talk or start a new fan group.