Thursday, March 22, 2012

The Win-Win Solution for Struggling Bi-Married Men

In the posts Men are for Sex, Open Marriage, The Divided Bisexual Man, and He Says/She Says I wrote about the struggle many married and bisexual men face as they come to terms with their sexuality.

In another series of posts I said that bi-married men have four options when it comes to reconciling their attraction to men and their marriage. I identified those options as: Don't Act on It, Be Honest, Cheat, and Start a New Life.

Several months after writing about those choices, I began to extensively interact with dozens of straight wives who are married to bisexual, gay and "straight" husbands. Wow, what a fundamentally different and unexpectedly revealing learning experience that has been. After swapping stories with hundreds of other married men for the past 17 years, I really thought I'd heard it all. Instead, I've learned that many men don't know as much about their marriages and their wives as they think they do.

It's my belief that bridging the gap between what a man thinks he knows and the truth has the potential to resolve the moral and emotional conflicts that often plague married men who are sexually attracted to other men. In short, bridging the gap is a "win-win" solution for bisexual married men who seek genuine and enduring happiness in their lives.

The "win-win" is not a cookie-cutter solution that is appropriate for every bisexual married man. Many bi-married men are happy to live a double life, and as such, this solution doesn't apply to them; they are not struggling. On the other hand, for men who are unable to find genuine and enduring happiness - because they only have the "losing" options of secretly cheating on the wife they love, or, coming out as bisexual and risk being rejected by their families - this solution is an authentic way to find inner peace.

A Warning

As simple and appealing as the idea of a "win-win" solution is, the problem it addresses is huge. As such, finding enduring happiness requires WORK. This is not a flip-the-switch or a pop-a-pill solution. You must be motivated.

That said, hopefully what you read here will inspire you to give this solution a serious try. If implemented correctly, it will change your life for the better.

Your Bisexual Journey

In order to understand how to find enduring happiness you have to take a step back and contemplate the bisexual journey you've taken.

If you're like most bi-married men, once upon a time you were happily married and not plagued by guilt, edginess, self-loathing, depression, frustration or an unquenchable desire to hook-up with men. What happened to you??

You became aware of your sexual attraction to other men.

Understanding, accepting and enjoying one's attraction to men is a lot like floating atop a raft on a smooth but deep river. When you first step onto the raft you have no intention of taking a long journey. Later, you realize that it's just something that happened; unseen, but inexorably powerful, the current of desire steadily pushed you forward.

There are two aspects to the bisexual man's journey. One is physical and the other is mental. On the physical side we progress from curiosity to porn to Craigslist ads to aborted meetings to real meetings to jacking off to getting sucked to sucking to fucking, and finally, to getting fucked. Not everyone follows the same path, but progression, rather than stagnation, is the rule.

The typical bisexual man's mental journey, on the other hand, tends to be chaotic. Denial, regret, self-hatred, depression and relentless desire swirl around and around in our heads. Often we are directionless as our thoughts change from one day to the next. Eventually we get tired of beating ourselves up. We realize that we are who we are and that our same-sex desires are not going to change. It's only once we accept ourselves that we gain some measure of peace.

Think about your own journey. When did it start? How did it start? How has your thinking evolved since then? How has your interest in different sexual activities changed? How long has it been since you went from being nervous and afraid to being comfortable with who you are?

Every situation is different, but chances are you began your journey a few years after you were married. And, even if you started earlier or later than that, there is probably no doubt that you married with good intentions and that you enjoyed the early days of sex and intimacy you shared with your wife. I make this assumption with conviction because marriages don't usually last unless they have a strong foundation.

Think about this: during all those years when you were adrift on the river of self-discovery, where has your wife been? By your side on the raft? Or left behind on the shore?

"I'm always straight except for when I'm bisexual."

The overwhelming desire to be "normal" can be astoundingly motivating. It literally makes men delusional. I can't tell you how many stories I've heard about men who obsessively pursue sex with men yet adamantly insist they are straight. Why is "bisexual" such an offensive label?

It's easy to marvel at how out of touch those men are, but the fact is, nearly all closeted bisexual men are delusional. Here's why:

When we think of bisexuality in its most basic form we think of it as "having a sexual attraction to both women and men." This is an incomplete definition and it is the root of Bisexual Delusion. Men in particular tend to think their bisexuality is a switch. When they're having sexual thoughts about men they're bisexual. When they're not thinking about men they're straight. This is not true. Bisexuals are bisexuals 24/7.

Your sexuality affects every important relationship you have. With little conscious thought you alternately express and repress your attraction to men throughout the day, and no matter which you are doing, it affects how you interact with others.

Repression is especially significant. It causes you to be more withdrawn and more secretive than you otherwise would be. It makes your relationships more transactional - even robotic - as your highest priority is to keep your bisexuality hidden. No relationship is more affected by this dynamic than the one with your wife. Because she is simultaneously the person closest to you AND the person who must never know the truth, engaging in a genuinely intimate conversation with her is a dangerous tight-rope walk. Most closeted bisexual men prefer to play it safe.

The thing is, playing it safe slowly causes intimacy to be replaced by distance. And no matter how polite or good-natured you are to each other, there's still a deep river that keeps you apart.

That distance between you on the raft and her on the shore? It's caused by your bisexuality.

"I'm always straight except for when I'm bisexual." - Part Two

Another aspect of Bisexual Delusion is that it causes men to make excuses for their lackluster (or non-existent) marital sex life. For example, it's common knowledge that marriage kills your sex life - right?

We all know that young couples fuck like bunnies and older couples hardly fuck at all.

We all know that women lose interest in sex after they have children.

We all know that women lose interest in sex when they hit menopause.

We all know that our married friends' sex lives are just as bad as ours, if not worse.

Although there is often an element of truth in these statements, it is delusional for a man to think that his bisexuality has no affect on the quantity and quality of sex within his marriage. Over and over, straight women have told me that they knew "something" wasn't right but they didn't know what. Then, once they learn the truth, it clicks.

The fact is, women of all ages LOVE intimate sex.

"I'm always straight except for when I'm bisexual." - Part Three

A third aspect of Bisexual Delusion is when bisexual men attribute their lackluster sex life to their wife's imperfections:

"She doesn't take care of herself."
"She's always tired."
"She never wants to give me a blow job."
"She's fat."
"She's a bitch."
Etc, etc, etc.

Again, there is often some truth behind these excuses, but the fact is, heterosexual men will eagerly fuck a fat, ugly woman who just lies there LONG before they'd ever consider hooking up with a man.

Bisexuality is not a part-time orientation. It's who you are, all the time, and it always affects how you interact with other people, most especially your wife.

The Win-Win: Step One

The first step of the "Win-Win" solution is to take responsibility for who you are.

Although it's very likely that your bisexuality is not the only issue in your marriage, if you want to find enduring happiness, you must work from the assumption that it is.

Focusing on other issues, especially ones that are her fault, will not be productive.

If you want results, you have to man-up. You have to work to bridge the intimacy gap that exists between you and your wife, and, you must believe that the gap is entirely caused by your sexuality.

Step Two

After you have accepted that your bisexuality has created an intimacy gap between you and your wife, and you acknowledge that your marital sex life is not satisfying to you, the next step is to address the problem with your wife.

Does that mean coming out to her?


The beauty of the "win-win" is that you can find enduring happiness without ever coming out of the closet.

In place of coming out, however, you MUST initiate a brutally honest conversation with your wife. This conversation is REQUIRED.

In the conversation you must tell her, without ever once blaming her, that you miss "the good old days" when the two of you couldn't get enough of each other. You must tell her that your first inclination was to make excuses for why that is...getting older, the kids, work, whatever. But then you realized that YOU haven't made as much effort as you once did. Just hearing those words should make your wife tingle down there in a way she hasn't in quite some time.

I've said that in a cheeky way, but actually, it's true. If you initiate an honest, intimate conversation and then take full responsibility for taking her for granted, she should respond in an overwhelmingly positive way. Ideally she will accept a portion of the blame and offer her understanding for the pressures that weigh on you.

Her comfort and support should encourage you to take the conversation to the next level, which is to create a joint plan to rekindle the intimacy in your relationship. Because keeping your bisexuality hidden is a permanent barrier, you have to work doubly hard to compensate. There are hundreds of intimacy-building books out there, read some.

I realize that talking about your relationship and improving the intimacy in it is not something you would normally want to do. Probably the opposite - and that's the point. As I said, the "win-win" requires work and now you can see why. It might seem like it's one sided, and it is, at first. After holding back for many years you have an intimacy deficit to fill. The good news is that if you are persistent, you will definitely enjoy the benefits of your labor: more and better sex.

The initial pay-off should be especially hot; there's good reasons why it's called "The Honeymoon Phase." Your pledge to intimacy and her response should inspire both of you to feel like giddy teenagers in a new relationship who just can't get enough of each other. Improved intimacy will rekindle the flame that has always been there, and once you feel it, you'll be surprised by the intensity. Just like that, you'll go from feeling frustrated and stressed by the confines of your marriage, to feeling happy and optimistic about your future together.

Reaping these benefits is essential because they will keep you motivated - and staying motivated is essential because bringing true intimacy back to your marriage is not a one-shot deal. Nor is it a one-month commitment. It's a permanent change of habit, a new beginning for an old relationship.

Step Three

Step three, mostly, is to repeat step two. Whenever your marital sex life slows down it's up to you to take the initiative to breathe life into it by letting your guard down and seducing your wife with intimacy.

There will be plenty of times when you will be tested. What if you're tired? What if she is being a bitch? What if sex with her is boring? Instead of burying these frustrations as you have in the past, you have to be open about them WITHOUT being negative or confrontational.

For example, don't reject her advances because you're tired. Instead be playfully teasing, "It's been a long day and I haven't been in the mood, BUT, I really want to enjoy this time together. Maybe you can put me in the mood? Or maybe we can cuddle?"

If she's being a bitch don't make it worse by criticizing her or telling her to relax. All she wants is for you to listen to her complain. So say something like, "I don't want to fight. Remember how I said I really to improve our relationship? I mean it. Can we call a truce for a few minutes?" You might surprised by how much better she responds when you're open and honest rather than closed and defensive.

When it comes to sex, what turns most women on is "girlie" stuff. Things like romantic comedies, romance novels, cuddling, kissing and holding hands. If sex with your wife is boring then you have to inspire her by asking how you can better please her. If you try some things that she suggests chances are she'll be that much more exciting in bed.

Whatever hurdles you face, overcoming them comes back to two simple ideas: respectful honesty and genuine intimacy. Step three is to continuously use them.

Step Four

Speaking of hurdles - one of the most difficult ones might be how to handle your attraction to men. Improving intimacy within your marriage will not make you straight.

But... it should make you much less motivated to pursue sex with men.

One of the key assumptions of the "win-win" is that intimate connections make for enduring happiness. There is something fundamentally satisfying about connecting with someone on a deep and intimate level. Yet, for all of the reasons outlined above, closeted bisexual men tend to avoid intimacy with their wives. This leaves them with an interior void that aches to be filled.

Sex with men is a great outlet to fill the void. It's fun! It's also a relaxing way to be close to someone without the risk of emotional entanglement. And, it's a welcome relief to escape the burden of the closet. Of course the inspired orgasms don't hurt either.

With so much to gain from hook-ups, it might seem unrealistic to expect that improved intimacy with your wife will dull your need to pursue them, but it will. It's not every day that love, sex and genuine intimacy all come together in the form of one person, so putting that relationship at risk by hooking up with others just won't seem worth it. Why go outside your marriage if what you have within it is so satisfying?

With that said, and for as much a commitment to intimacy should improve the relationship you have with your wife, you are - and always will be - bisexual. There will be times when you'll have to fight to resist the urge to hook-up. I suggest that you give yourself a break and not fight. Instead, redirect your sexual energy. Challenge yourself to find new ways to put your wife in the mood. Or, if you're not up for that, indulge yourself with some good porn and a lengthy solo session.

Giving yourself an outlet is extremely important. Repression does not work in the long-run, it only makes you miserable. Embrace your sexuality and wallow in it - in your own private and guilt-free ways. Finding enduring happiness means keeping your balance - a happy, fulfilling marriage AND the healthy expression of the full spectrum of your sexuality.

Step Five

We'd all like to find happiness as soon as possible. Yesterday, even. But securing ENDURING happiness takes time. You can't pay attention to your wife for a month, bask in the glow of a honeymoon phase, and think your work is done. Maintaining a good relationship always takes work - you know that. But changing old habits is extremely difficult. The idea of the "win-win" is to slowly and steadily paddle your raft to the shore and reacquaint yourself with the woman you fell in love with years ago. That takes time.

If you're serious about wanting to find enduring happiness, I suggest that you give yourself at least a full year to do it. If you can remain genuinely motivated for a year, you will - unquestionably - secure the first win in the "win-win" scenario.

Conversely, if you make a short-term effort and don't follow through after some initial good results, then your chances of finding enduring happiness will be no better than they are now.

Basically, if you want the "win" you have to go "balls to the wall" for at least a year.

The Second Win

What happens if you do exactly as I suggest, for exactly a year, and you aren't any happier than when you started? What then?

Don't despair.

By making a lengthy and determined effort to rekindle genuine intimacy in your marriage, you will avail yourself to a new set of opportunities - opportunities that will grant you new ways to secure enduring happiness.

I'll explain how that is possible in the next post.

In the meantime, thanks for reading. I look forward to your comments.


  1. Cameron, this is a great post. It should be "must" reading for every bisexual man.

    You've left a few loose ends in my mind that I hope to see tied together in the next post.

    I was, in so many ways, one of the lucky bisexual guys. I truly loved sex with my wife. She loved sex with me and through almost 5 decades it never got boring because, as you suggest, we worked at it continually to keep it fresh and exciting.

    The problem is not all bisexual men are created equal. I'm a guy that is probably 70% straight (if it could be measured in percentiles). That made it very easy to be enthusiastically intimate with my wife.

    On the other hand, the bisexual guy who is only 30% straight is going to have to work much much harder at bridging the gap. I have always said over and over that a guy has to know where he falls along the continuum that is male sexuality. Unfortunately, most guys never think it through, probably out of fear of the answer.

    Many guys label themselves bisexual simply because they are married and are attracted to men. These men can never bridge the intimacy gap with their wives. It just won't happen.

    Thanks for the work you did on this piece. I look forward to the next.

    Jack Scott

  2. Thanks for your suggestions and I completely agree with most of your method. As Jack Scott says in his comment, this is all predicated on being genuinely bisexual, and being still in love with your wife in the non-sexual ways. Some bi men legitimately find that while they still fantasize about sex with women, their own marriage is not renewable. Others find that the real issue is as Jack says, they have evolved to be primarily drawn to men, even if they can enjoy some sex with their wives. The real work has to start with realistically assessing the value of your marriage in all ways, and the nature of your own sexuality. All marriages likely need some hard work to keep them vigorous and your system is true for many men regardless of orientation.

    My own therapist has been saying similar things to me...if we picked this woman out of all others when we were young and spent many years together having a family and building our relationship and friendship circles, this is a huge part of who we are. Walking away from a marriage emotionally because we passively have let it get boring is not the ideal. Even as I have my own growing doubts about the future of my own marriage due to my new sense of my sexuality, I also know it is worth trying to see if I could proactively make the marriage better before walking away from it. And yes, like many bi or gay married men, we have already created a wide gulf first with our secret porn and fantasy world, and then with live guy action.

  3. Oh - a great post. I'm not sure it'll help all guys in that situation but it is in general a post that should be shown to every married man and woman. Why? Because despite your orientation you once picked the other one to be the one for life and hopefully believed it at that moment. But life itself can widen the gap between partners. Job, kids, money, problems, secrets (yes, like being attracted to men)...all things that makes it easy to grew apart. I've been there, too, just because of job and kids. Luckily I realized it and did my part to get MY man back and he was willing ;) For the last few years we've been even better than at the beginning of our marriage.

    I assume there are bisexual men who do not want to make the effort because in reality they no longer want to be with their wives. They stay in their marriage because of the kids or whatever reason. That is the real pity because they not only block themselves from being really happy but their wives, too.

    But in general I really like your post. And - just saying because I'm a wife - if a guy really wants to have great sexuell fun with his wife: "Oh man - open your mouth and tell her what you want." Especially bisexuell guys should know that there is more than intercourse and a bit oral fun.
    Since my hubby is straight he hadn't even known how much fun deep-throating is (me, too) but I started reading gay romances a while ago and - hey - we had some serious relevations in our love life since then...Maybe you should advice guys to give their wives gay romances as presents ;)
    What I'm trying to say is - you have married the other person years ago, you have loved him/her, you need to make an effort to find that love back and in this you need to voice your needs, too. Your partner might surprise you. And you need to listen to your partners needs. And this goes for all relationships.

    1. Thanks for your comment. What you describe can happen. I'm living proof of it.

      However, it doesn't happen often enough.

      You sound like a great woman. I'm glad the romance books turned out to be a primer for you on oral sex. That's great. I sure hope your husband appreciates your willingness to learn new things.

      Jack Scott

  4. I mean this as sincerely as I can, this is BULLSHIT, firstly - its very predicated by the wife's desire to have the romantic lover she yearns for (& I would ask you to attempt this with your wife before offering such a black & white solution). BUT, its all born of the belief there is bi-sexuality, which denotes our sexuality is a choice, & if its a choice - why on earth would I choose to go against the norms of society and not just focus my whole identity to being straight. its not all just about sex, its all the other attractions to the partner in your life (& if its a wife) they are what makes us believe in stages of bi or straightness. Anyway, this approach sounds one step removed from pray-the-gay away, I've tried both (your win-win above) - it does NOT stop the inner conflict, it may push it down for a period, again & again, but each & everything it comes back front & center, it returns with even more force than the last time, ultimately something has to give/break. Your win-win then just becomes a delaying tactic for the guy & the wife has been drug father down the proverbial rabbit hole, believing she has an influence over this own scenario. Nothing/Nothing replaces being honest (this does not mean divorce or whatever) - but without the wife knowing fully/honestly what she's dealing with in the gay-husband, its a recipe for failure (or just another way to limp along).

    The simple test for sexuality is - you put the husband in a room with a hot chick & a hot guy & see which one he looks at first (if he looks at the guy = he's GAY), even if he could spend 6 hours fucking the chick with multiple orgasms...

    Sorry for the harsh words, but I've always noticed your vacillation in this subject area & I believe its not helping those struggling with this, our wife's deserve better/honesty - even if they don't always start out seeing it that way.

    THanks for letting me comment, Nick, Fort Wayne, IN

    1. Nick, your not the only gay man who denies the existence of bisexuality unfortunately. One of my best friends who happens to be gay always tells me I'm still fooling myself.

      I simply cannot understand how a guy such as yourself who knows he made no choice to be something straight people cannot understand (gay) would make the same outrageous accusation about something you yourself cannot understand (bisexuality).

      Bisexuality in no way suggests a choice about our sexuality. It indicates that our desires and our needs transcend what either a male or female sexual partner can give to us. We have needs that can only be met by each gender.

      To deny that is the height of hypocrisy for gay guys like yourself. If you don't understand it, at least take the word for those of living with it. I take your word that you are gay without question or the need for further explanation on your part.

      Jack Scott

    2. Nick, my apologies. I wrote the reply above hurriedly and find on second look that the reply was much more accusatory than I meant it to be.

      It does distress me that so many gay men can't accept that bisexuality is a reality, but I shouldn't have implied that I was attacking you for your thoughts.

      You are absolutely right that married bisexual men deal with a great deal of inner conflict. That is a given. Where you fail to comprehend the full extent of the conflict is in stating that nothing/nothing replaces honestly. Actually that is a subjective opinion on your part. You're of course welcome to the opinion but that does not mean that your statement is true for all bisexual men. Some bisexual men realize they have dealt with their sexuality all their lives and still are conflicted by it. Thus they do rightfully see withholding information that their wives could not possibly deal with or understand as an option to utterly destroying her.

      Is it an option that settles all accounts? Of course not, but there are many many decisions in life in which the lesser of two or more imperfect choices have to be made and lived with.

      Thanks for your opinion and for adding to the thoughtful discussion of a very difficult issue.

      Jack Scott

    3. Jack Scott, thanks for the clarification on how you viewed my comments, I certainly welcome others opinions as much as they allow me to offer up mine. Most of what I talk & write about are married men that are in basically loving & sexless relationships with their wives and are "screwing" around with men only on the side. It is the majority of all mix-orientation marriages out there today, where one partner is deceiving the other (beyond just thoughts), & acting out there sexual based needs, albeit online or in person. I believe that most guys in this situation fall into the aspects of "I just have this sexual need to be filled"; "its just about sex"; "I'm Straight, just have fantasies of other men"; and because of typical "normal" upbringing, they are pre-programmed to only accept being straight is the right alternative. Then once married, they are trapped in to believing they are anything other than 100%, otherwise they will be viewed as a fraud - thus invalidating everything they have done/built/created & lived in life is a lie. Which we all know it NOT true! however, I think is the corner stone of why most guys hang on to some notion of being less than 100% gay.

      We need to also get out there that just because someone started out believing they where less than 100% gay (& are perhaps ultimately always bisexual in true nature and thus will never be 100% gay - using Kinsey's scale), everything else in their lives is still very real, they do/did love their spouses, kids, life style, families, jobs, community etc etc....

      Just more random opinion on why I really only accept identifying a narrowly defined group of actually bisexual individuals.

      Nick, Fort Wayne IN

  5. I'm not personally involved with a situation like this, so I don't know that my opinion on the subject matters.

    While I think he came across a little strong, I had a similar reaction to Nick of this "win-win" basically being "forget being bi, just pretend to be straight" - which I don't see as any definition of "win" for anyone (for some of the same reasons Nick states).

    There's a difference between some one who is out looking for intimacy (with anyone, guy or gal) because s/he isn't getting it from his/her partner, and someone who is actively attracted to individuals of a different sex than his/her partner. The first can happen in a large variety of situations, straight or gay, and for them your advice is the typical: try to save the marriage.

    But if it's the latter, just burying that desire or emotion doesn't work: it may seem to work in the short term, but it's not going to work in the long term. Sexuality is a pretty basic thing, and if you aren't sexually attracted to your partner, it's going to be a problem. Yes, one can have intimacy without sexual attraction, but if you're advocating for someone to give up attraction, you're basically asking him to cut off a part of himself. In fact, I'd posit that many problematic "bi" marriages seem to be based on the notion of "I really care about her and love her, so maybe we can pull this off even if I'm not sexually attracted to her" - that's the original problem, and you're just suggesting they go right back to it as the solution.

    [I do disagree with Nick about bisexuality - I think it exists, though I think it's less common that claimed. Studies show most people are attracted primarily to one or the other sex (you've done a post on that in the past), but there is a small percentage that truly does seem to be bisexual.]

    I know you say your solution isn't for everyone, but I'd probably argue that it's for a very small percentage who are legitimately bisexual and actively sexually attracted to their partners. For all the rest, your "solution" seems more like "go back and double-down on the same mistake you made in the first place."

  6. Austin, I don't disagree with a very narrowly defined "bi-sexuality" trait that may exist in some men, however, I've yet to meet anyone that I could truly put in that category. Also, purely from an arm-chair quarter backs standpoint (& using there own blogging narratives), that any of the guys we all review here fit the "bi" description you laid out. Not one of them talks about girls/posts picks of hot chicks/pursues anything with another woman (i know they already have a woman, but in all cases the sex is either dead or very close to it). & if they where truly bi-sexual & this was just about the need to fulfill sexual gratification, then we'd be reading about some fooling around with women from our blog buddies.

    Again, I know, I can be blunt....sorry....

    1. Come to Texas and meet me Nick. I'm a living breathing well adjusted bisexual man.

      Jack Scott

  7. Jack, Jayson, Nenne, Nick and Austin - Thank you for your comments.

    I very much appreciate your positive words Jack, Jayson and Nenne, but I guess I'm a sicko because I enjoyed Nick and Austin's negative comments a little more. Based on what I have posted above, I mostly agree with their criticisms. All I can say is that I hope readers will remember that this post is one-half of the whole solution. The next part will be about men who do not find the above suggestions to be helpful.

    I have my fingers crossed that the critics and cynics will find the second part to be worth the wait.

    1. Got to give it to you TwoLives, You are truly a brave man. I love it and I appreciate your honestly and your candor.

      Carry on!!!

      Jack Scott

  8. Hey, I gave you an "out" - I said I knew it was for a only some :) I just think it may be for a smaller percentage than might be assumed at first glance.

  9. I'll comment with the same bluntness I'm sure (hoping your next article is along the lines of more honest help for guys/gals in this situation). My comments are not meant to imply any judgement upon anyone's personal choices, but when we talk about generalities, then my "bull-shit" meter is set to hyper sensitive. Looking forward to the next installment....Nick, Fort Wayne, IN

  10. My understanding of the article is the search for long lasting happiness and contentment in our lives. I agree that intimacy in any relationship takes continual work. We all change as we get older and our needs change along the way. Many times we continue to want what we had when we were younger. Unfortunately that also has changed and we must be willing to adapt to those changes and seek new avenues to find happiness.

    If one is in a marrital relationship and wishes to have it work throughout their life, then it is necessary to find ways to keep the excitement there.

    The relationship will not make us happy unless we are happy with ouselves. The important thing is to discover and accept who we are and seek what we truly want.

  11. Cameron,

    I am really glad you have put this out there. It provides a really good template that a lot of guys out there should contemplate undertaking.

    I wish I had seen something like this a few years ago - it would have given me some options that I didn't really consider when I separated from my wife. I saw things in terms of black or white, gay or straight with nothing in between.

    I agree with your title - for many it could be a win-win situation. Look forward to your next installment.