But at the time, it was very real.
Part of being gay is dealing with self-hate. In a way, the hate is a disease. Mentally, you can try all kinds of tricks to help you cope but ultimately a "cure" comes from deep within. A place outside of our own control.
My self-hate peaked in a do-or-die month when I was 15. I feel fortunate to have dealt with it then. I know many men are still struggling with it in their 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s and 70s.
Fear, motivated by self-hate and homophobia, is what keeps most men in the closet. Although I wasn't fear-free by 16, the purge of self-hate at 15 laid the foundation for the rest of my unusual story.
Cameron,
ReplyDeleteIt must dredge up unpleasant memories posting your story, but I applaud you for doing it. I remember that I tried to take my life when I was 16. I took pills. Obviously I am still around, so I was not successful. I was bullied by this gang of boys in high school. They were relentless. I had no self-esteem. None. I just wanted out. They would follow me and try and beat me up. I guess that's where I learned how to run. But I survived it all. I wish I would have come out much sooner, but I wasn't ready. And even now, I am not out to everyone. Again, thanks for sharing your story.
Hi Michael! Thanks for your kind comment.
DeleteBeing bullied in high school is absolute misery. It must have been horrible for you. I completely understand how you must have felt and why you took the pills. It's not at all surprising to me that so many LGBT youth try to kill themselves - and too many are successful. But as you say, you survived! And thrived.