Thursday, June 9, 2016

Lust for Men - What's Bisexual? What's Gay?

A post from a message board for people questioning their sexuality...
A few days ago, I came here, basically wondering if I might be bisexual. 

People responded and some of their words helped open my eyes. I felt such a rush of emotion and freedom, because, for the first time ever, I understood that I needed to accept my sexual urges.

Still, I have doubts and questions. My attraction to men is just a sexual thing.  What's the difference between lusting for men when you're bisexual compared to lusting when you're gay?  Is all lust the same?

A man's reply -
In the end it's much easier to fool your mind than it is to fool your body. If you can express your urges physically, then you're dealing with them on some level and that keeps the thoughts from weighing on your mind.  

The flip side is that sticking to the physical makes it really easy to believe that, if you just took more cold showers, you could be completely hetero.

Also, as long as you stick to the physical, it will be "just sex." 

For me, though, all it took was one kiss from a guy that I had formed a close bond with for the whole house of cards to fall apart. My legs literally gave out, and by the time I got up, I knew I was gay. 

Within a couple of weeks all the feelings I had for women--and I had a pretty extensive dating life--fell away like they had never been there to begin with. Not saying it'll happen that way for you, but it did for me.

 The original poster responded -
I have to be honest and say that reading your post made my whole world come crashing down. I tried to write a response but couldn't because I was trembling and shaking too much.  I thought I wanted this to happen to me, to honestly accept myself, but by the time I finished reading your post, I realized it already had. I got so scared I requested that my account be deleted.

That was two days ago.  That night I went to bed and no longer dreamed of just lust, but of kissing a man, holding his hand, being with him. I woke up and realized I am not bisexual, I am gay.

I had relationships with women in the past, deeply emotional ones, and I cared for them, but the whole time I was a gay guy who was trying to force himself into a straight relationship.

I tried to run away, but I now can describe how right it feels to just say "I am gay."

I need to come out. I can't run away from this anymore.
I had a few reactions to this exchange...

First, I was kind of amazed to "watch" someone come out to themselves.  A week ago the guy was questioning whether he might be bisexual and now he's exhilarated to realize he's gay?  Wow.  Score one for instant homo recruitment, I guess.

Second, I was puzzled by the idea that years of deep emotional relationships with women could suddenly lose their meaning.  I suppose that sort of makes sense if you're gay, but what gets me is that nothing from the relationships changed.  If they were deep and emotional before, how could they suddenly lose those qualities?  The best explanation I can think of is that, maybe, the forces of deep denial were at work.

Third, reading how a kiss turned a bisexual man gay made me wonder if the No Kissing Rule is a very serious matter for some men.  I understand that kissing can be intimate, and hook-ups are not about intimacy, but I never imagined that some men don't kiss because they legitimately fear that their sexual identity will change.  That blows me away.  I had always thought that refusing to kiss was an expression of garden-variety homophobia, not a matter of preventing a fundamental life change.  Seen in that light, I now understand why not kissing is such a big deal for some.

Fourth, and perhaps most importantly, the exchange between these two "formerly" bisexual men made me wonder if the difference between gay lust for men, and bisexual lust for men, is simply that a bisexual man is not open to a deep emotional connection?

That's a pretty fundamental question because openness is a state of mind, not a permanent, in-born quality.  If that is the difference, then doesn't it follow that bisexuality is a choice and homosexuality is innate?

Think about that for a minute...bisexuality is a choice and homosexuality is innate???

Please share your thoughts and reactions by commenting below.

Gay-lust-worthy (kissable) Robert Buckley.  Best known as Clay in the CW series "One Tree Hill"