Sunday, February 2, 2014

What makes a bi man a keeper - or not

This comment deserves a post of its own:
As a straight woman, I periodically read these blogs because I've come to the realization a while ago that there are more bi men out there than I thought. I so appreciate the honesty that some men display when they let a prospective love interest know of their sexual orientation. There is a part of me that understands why some hesitate to do so, but honesty will save both parties heartbreak and stress.

I believe straight women should shed myths and innuendos and give a bisexual man a chance. I don't see dismissing a guy who is driven, honest, attractive , funny, and loving just because he's had relationships with men. I would screen him just as I would a straight guy.

I believe it's about the type of relationship. That's the focal point for me. Would he want to have sex with other people? Can he be trusted? etc.... same questions I'd get answers for from a straight guy.

What I would struggle with is him stating that he is with me for the emotional connection. Many people want a strong emotional connection with's valid and it matters...but I would seriously struggle with my guy not feeling passion towards me....he'd only feel that towards his same sex attractions.....for me that would be an enormous hurdle.

I want to see my man look at me with love and passion and fire and I don't think that's selfish...if a bi guy can give that to me, awesome....if he can only offer emotional connection and he loves me and thinks of me fondly, he and I would be in each others lives forever as the best of friends... the last thing i would want to do is impede him from getting what he needs and I need to make room in my life for someone who can be both passionate lover and friend.
I think this woman speaks for her whole gender - or at least for those women who consider being in a relationship with a bisexual man.  She wants (and women want) love, passion and fire.

Men aren't any different.  We want the same things too.

Straight men want love, passion and fire with women.

Gay men want love, passion and fire with other men.

What do bisexual men want?

The many bi married men I know also want the same things...but they don't feel like they can get it from one person.  They want a primary relationship with their wife AND they want safe, sexually passionate connections with men.

Is there "passion and fire" in their marriages?  Emotionally, maybe, but sexually, not so much.  If the sexual passion was there they'd be much more content with monogamy.

Here's my question:

If the woman quoted above is more open-minded about bisexual men than most women are, and if the many bi married men I know are typical of most bisexual men, is there ever a time when a relationship between a straight woman and a bisexual man can work?

Yes there is!  When the bisexual man is essentially straight.

I think this woman's comment explains why so many mixed orientation marriages either don't last or are a constant struggle.  We all want the same things but when a bisexual man is pulled in two directions, love without passion is not enough for his wife.

That's certainly been my experience.


  1. Don't women value loyalty and commitment more than men? What woman wants to share her man with someone else, let alone another man? You have to wonder, what does this bi man like better? Men or women? It just creates a lot of complexity in the relationship that I think a lot of women would prefer to avoid.

  2. Hello, this is the woman that created the comment. I forgot to add something . Again, I can only speak for myself, but I believe in being open minded when it comes to play with their men. I've seen blog spots where women scoff at the idea of using toys and strap ons on their men? Why?! If you cross paths with a bisexual man who wants to focus his romantic and physical love with just you, why wouldn't you embrace play that can stimulate you both? Happiness and satisfaction is a two way street.

    I admit I find myself wondering what it would be like to use a toy on a man and see an expression of pleasure on his face. If he is honest about what he is and what he wants, more than likely he would be very open to being physically loved in that manner. When he sees you are into it , he will open up for you in more ways that one... :-) yep pun intended.

    Being able to experience being inside of each other ...that level of trust , honesty, and intimacy would be profound..... trick is, for some women who want to do it, they are afraid to voice it...even with a bi guy.... afraid of accusations of wanting to be a man..... I have no interest in being a man.....I do however have desires that a bi guy would very much appreciate...

    So as I said in my previous comments, honesty from the start is the best can lead to a clean break or a great adventure

    1. I don't think it's as simple as any one sexual act or combination of acts. There is nothing sexual that 2 men can do that a hetero couple can't. The reverse isn't true but I don't think the acts are what the desire's all about. A woman can wear a strap-on or be more aggressive sexually but she'll never be a man just like a transexual can be VERY convincing but for a man who yearns for a woman, a transexual is not going to fill the bill.

      It's been my strong opinion that for a man who seeks other men, it's less the sex than a "connection with the masculine". Why some guys require it (gay men) and some guys want it but can function (somewhat) without it, I don't know. But unless a guy is honest, with himself MOST of all, he has to understand just what it is he's looking for before he can commit to ANY one sex. Just what is it he seeks from a man that he cannot get from a woman. That takes a level of honesty and self-awareness that too few of these guys possess.

  3. It always kills me when people segregate bisexuals from the mass of humanity like they are somehow freaks of nature. Especially when some of these people are gay. I personally don't like labels especially when those labels are harmful.

    1. Not freaks of nature at all. But not easy for a person to feel secure with. Most "bisexual" men function as hetero but they yearn for men. And they keep that secret from the women in their lives and then cheat on them and engage in behavior that can not only threaten the relationship but the very lives of the woman at home. Liking both sexes is surmountable. But betraying your significant other may not be.

      Now if you happen to be bisexual but can be trusted to keep it in your pants and be BELIEVED unlike so many, it may not be a big deal. But any casual glance at CL or one of those sites tells you that there are a LOT of "bisexual" men doing a lot of risky stuff.