Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Struggling Bi-Married Men and their Wives - Part Two

Below are two more stories from bi-married men who decided to improve their lives by going "all out" to re-build a deep and intimate connection with their wives.

As is true for any relationship, these marriages continue to grow and change. No one can say for certain what the future will bring, but for now, these guys are very happy with the results they're seeing.

Story Four - "Giving the relationship my all"

I wrote about this couple in A Bisexual Husband: He Says/She Says, which was a fascinating post. In it the husband and wife each spoke candidly about the problems within their marriage. In some cases their perceptions were so fundamentally different that you had to wonder if they were talking about the same marriage. Clearly, if something didn't change soon they were not going to make it. Sure enough, a short time later the wife moved out. The pain of losing his wife caused the husband to examine himself and his attitudes. He saved his marriage by re-dedicating himself to her.
Lately I've been plugging in more and more into the relationship for many many a reason. I want to be able to understand her, for a while we've not been able to communicate. I want to be able to read her, emotionally and sexually because more often than not she throws herself at me and I'm none the wiser. I'm plugging in because I want to fuck more often and learn to appreciate it, as I often feel lonely afterwards. I'm giving the relationship my all.

I've made a commitment with her to not let things build as they did and behave naturally in real time instead of keeping it bottled. We're slowly allowing the world to turn again, and it's made a world of difference. We're sharing, listening and most importantly laughing again. I don't know if she's physically doing something or if I'm just seeing her again, differently. I start to see her as she is or the girl who I set out to marry.

I have more things to put into the bisexual perspective of my life plan. What does this mean to me, how vulnerable/delusional can I allow myself to be, what about men, what about my sexuality... What if this feeling doesn't last.

Fuck it. Is all that I can surmise for the time being. Feel the love, feel the closeness and deal with the bisexuality stuff when it arises again in the very very near future. Part of me wants to allow myself to find out how real this marriage is and how close I can get to being complete within it. Not warding off men, I don't know if I could ever do that.
Like many bi-married men, this husband vacillated in no-man's-land for an extended period of time. He's not gay, he's not straight, he loves his wife, he's attracted to men. He felt stuck and unsure of how to find true happiness.

He doesn't realize it, but by "giving the relationship [his] all" and by finding out "how close [he] can get to being complete within it" he is engaging in the "win-win" solution. Now, no matter what happens, he will be free to move forward with his life in a positive direction.

Story Five - Redemption

In January I made a new e-friend, Sean, who emailed me to talk about a number of issues including how he was struggling with his sexuality.

Although Sean knew he loved his wife of 11 years and found her attractive, their sex life had dwindled to almost nothing. Even more troubling to him was his relentless attraction to men. More and more he wondered if he was gay, not bi, and whether that meant he had to break up his family.

Here's an early post from Sean's blog The Pastor's Closeted Son wherein he describes his situation:

Karen and I have been married for over 11 years, and together almost 13. Most of that has been happy, except for my increasing attraction to men. Sex is a rarity, although it's not just me. She has issues from previous boyfriends. By and large though, it is me with "the problem". I WANT to be more turned on by her, but I'm just not, even though she's still attractive to me! I mean, if we start making out and get into foreplay, then yes, I'm hard and I want it. But just looking at her or any woman? Usually nothing. However, guys turn my head CONSTANTLY.

I'm so afraid of losing this. I love my wife, she's my best friend. I don't want to tear our home apart. These kids are my LIFE.

I feel like a selfish ass. I should have been more honest with myself years ago. Yet, had I not married Karen, I wouldn't have my kids! How the fuck could I wish they didn't exist? And what about Karen, who I DO love?

The problem is I want to make love to a man. I've had very little sexual experience with men, always a quick random hook up, mostly before I was married. I'm not interested in that anymore.

I want to be with a man.

I want to be with my wife.

What the fuck.
Sean and I exchanged emails for a few weeks and even connected once by telephone. Like other bi-married men, Sean's biggest problem was not his sexuality but rather his bleak view of his options. With so many conflicting desires bouncing around in his head he couldn't imagine that there was any way to choose one and be happy.

I told him that indecision was his greatest enemy and that, in order to know what he truly wanted, he had to dedicate himself to one outcome and see where that lead him. I said, "Pick one option and embrace it as if your life depends on it, because, really, it does."

Determined to find happiness, Sean initiated a bold conversation with his wife wherein he confessed his deepest feelings. At first, she reacted badly and Sean was certain his marriage was over. Then, as they talked more, he explained that he wanted to deepen their relationship, not replace it. That changed the direction of the whole conversation and literally saved their marriage.

In the weeks since their breakthrough Sean has periodically updated his readers with his progress. Here's one recent entry:
Things with Karen continue to be great! Our sex life keeps getting better and better. I don't know wtf happened, but now, I can't get enough. She has actually complained about me wearing her out and needing a break!

I still find it odd, to desire and enjoy straight sex so much. Whatever! It's been really fulfilling for us both. And fun.

All that being said, I'm still very bi, even though the old 80/20 percentage doesn't feel like it applies most days.
The point of these two stories (and the two from the prior post) is to show that some bi-married-men are able to find genuine happiness by earnestly committing themselves to a true, deep and emotionally intimate relationship with their wives. It can be done!!

The critics and cynics will find these stories unconvincing. They'll say, "It's temporary! All they're doing is pretending to be someone they're not!"

I am much more optimistic. I don't think it matters what a man labels himself, provided that BOTH he and his wife are willing to do the necessary work to stay intimately connected. Yes, even an 80/20 gay/bi man and a straight woman can share enough of the right kind of love to sustain a mutually satisfying and sexually active marriage.

But let's say that I'm wrong. Let's say that a genuine commitment to true intimacy is not enough to sustain a fulfilling mixed-orientation marriage. Well that's ok. Because once a couple KNOWS that love is not enough, that opens the door to an entirely new set of options, and at least one of those is certain to work. I'll try to explain how that is possible in my next post, part two of "The Win-Win Solution for Struggling Bi-Married Men."

16 comments:

  1. So are you going to try this strategy with Gabby?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Since you're not at all anonymous to me, I have to wonder if this comment was meant to be funny or serious. Although I got a good laugh out of it, I'll give a serious answer.

      As I said in the previous post, I REGRET not taking Gabbie's complaints about our lack of true intimacy seriously. If I had the opportunity, yes, I would definitely pursue the win-win.

      The thing is, and as you know, that ship has sailed. She found someone she likes better. And if he wasn't around, she'd find someone else. I had nearly 20 years to get my shit together and I didn't do it. Now I'm trying to see if I can avoid fucking up relationships with a whole new gender.

      Delete
  2. I'm forever the pessimist on these Win-Win's. It's hard in these stories to show any sustainability, none of them has any longevity to them, (I know Jack Scott's has a longer time-frame, but he's still fucking around with a guy albeit with his wife's permission).

    My personal experience and wider spread friends experience is all of these are "temporary" solutions. Nothing long term & thus becomes the core of my complaint, you are just delaying the inevitable, Man-Up and own the "right thing to do". Most women that have gotten divorced or separated after these type of "hopeful" win-win scenarios have told me they wished they had gotten on with dealing with things more cleanly & divorced sooner. They feel even more lied to and manipulated. It's not that you don't love your straight spouse, it's just you can't be their "all" & forever lover!!

    Nick, Fort Wayne, IN

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nick - I think the reason you're getting a lot of heat is because you rely too heavily on your own experiences. Bisexual and gay men (and every other broad category of people) are very diverse. There really are bisexual men who are equally attracted to men and women. There really are gay men who can find fulfillment in marriages to straight women, and, there really are straight women who can find fulfillment in marriages to gay men.

      But let's set that aside. Can we agree that no man will willingly come out until he is ready? If so, then I suggest you consider a more subtle approach of helping a man understand himself vs. one where he is told who he is and what he must do.

      As I hope to show, the win-win is a mission in self-discovery. If executed properly, both the man and woman will KNOW how they feel about each other and about continuing their marriage. The answers will come from within, and as such, whatever they may be, they will be the right ones.

      Delete
    2. Cameron, As I've said before, thank you for the opportunity to participate in these discussions. It truly has been a great compilation of very interesting peoples opinions. I'm enjoying the "heat", it's sparking some lively debate & dare I say, getting a few peoples backs up. That's great, that is what debate is about, I'm not here to win any argument or help validate any other person's opinion. I have my opinions, based on my experiences (both personally & through many friends), I'm "blunt" about these, as I think I've stated before. (Also, I'm just not very good in the "subtle" arena), however I do understand 100% the aspects of respecting a man's coming out timeframe! I believe we all need help & prodding to face the realities of who we are & what we are doing, & this aspect is squarely pointed at the guys that are cheating unabated with other men, behind their wife's backs (so all you open "Bi" guys can calm down now).

      Of course, perhaps the real win-win you are proposing, ultimately speeds up the process of the man being honest with his wife about feelings for men; then re-dedicating himself to his wife & ultimately realizing that no amount of excess intimacy with a woman, will kill off, or even hold down the feelings he still has, that make him gay. (I know here I go again).

      Thanks as always, Nick, Fort Wayne, IN

      Delete
  3. Cameron, I really agree with you that the win-win is possible for some guys. I think of The Bi Married Mafia and Jack Scott, maybe even Sean, though we haven't heard from him lately. But I think it takes a special married couple to do so - a husband not to far over on the gay side of the spectrum and a wife with a high level of tolerance, low level of self esteem, or some other factor emotional factor that allows her to go along with this. Of course, Nick may be right for the vast majority guys. But thanks for sharing your win-win advice. I might have been tempted to try it if I had read it 3 years ago. Paul

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for reading and commenting Paul. I'll be curious to see what you think about the second half of the win-win.

      Delete
  4. It seems the key to the win-win falls squarely on the reaction of the wife. She has to be incredibly understanding and accommodating. If she is willing to accept the arrangement of her husband acting on his desires and she is not threatened by him getting action on the side (while they continue to have sex as a couple) then some kind of equilibrium is established. Even if the marriage is sexless, it could still work out. I expect the desire to want to keep the family together, the disdain of divorce, the appeal of continued financial security all have roles to play in the decision to stay together.

    What seems very rare though is where the wife comes out as a lesbian -- you hardly hear of any husbands wanting to stay married in those instances.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The win-win is not about the man having his cake and eating it too. It's about both the husband and wife KNOWING whether they can be emotionally and sexually fulfilled by each other.

      So far I've only written about the first half of the win-win. Within that half, I can't imagine that any wife would react negatively to any husband's sincere effort to rebuild true intimacy within the marriage. For this reason, the key to success falls squarely on the husband.

      Delete
  5. Omg! I'm...honored?

    I've been awful at updating my blog. I've been concentrating more on my relationship with my wife and kids, so between that and work I simply don't have the time that I used to.

    Look, Angry In Indiana, I can't claim to see the future. Is this a temporary fix? Perhaps, but it doesn't feel that way. Instead we feel more connected than ever, and in addition are having great sex. However, should we just go ahead and knock our bullshit off now since you know better? Maybe you can help with explaining to my kids why mommy and daddy need to split up--because, according to some dude that doesn't know us, daddy loves penis more than mommy, and until daddy leaves mommy to pursue dick full time, daddy and mommy are just lying to themselves, and to you. Yes?

    Ack!

    The bottom line is I got scarily truthful with her, and with myself. Do you know how hard it was to look at my wife and admit that I'm primarily attracted to men? To admit that I did not know if I could remain married to her? It's not like we sugar coated anything. She ended our marriage at least 3 times that night. But in the end, we decided we loved each other enough to at least try, for fuck's sake. And luckily, for whatever reason, I discovered more straightness in me that I would have thought existed.

    I think that is the part that is suspect in most people's minds--all of a sudden I'm just into straight sex? Well, first of all, it's not like I've NEVER enjoyed it. It's just that I allowed my fears to overtake my ability to just BE in the moment with her and enjoy it. So, now that I've faced those fears, I can do that, not only again, but better than ever...which in turn has heightened our desire for each other.

    So like I've said on my blog--I can't see the future, but I can see what I have right here and right now. I see no reason to just throw it away. If things change, we have agreed to stay honest with each other.

    Thanks Cameron. You continue to be an amazing guy.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Omg! I'm...honored?

    I've been awful at updating my blog. I've been concentrating more on my relationship with my wife and kids, so between that and work I simply don't have the time that I used to.

    Look, Angry In Indiana, I can't claim to see the future. Is this a temporary fix? Perhaps, but it doesn't feel that way. Instead we feel more connected than ever, and in addition are having great sex. However, should we just go ahead and knock our bullshit off now since you know better? Maybe you can help with explaining to my kids why mommy and daddy need to split up--because, according to some dude that doesn't know us, daddy loves penis more than mommy, and until daddy leaves mommy to pursue dick full time, daddy and mommy are just lying to themselves, and to you. Yes?

    Ack!

    The bottom line is I got scarily truthful with her, and with myself. Do you know how hard it was to look at my wife and admit that I'm primarily attracted to men? To admit that I did not know if I could remain married to her? It's not like we sugar coated anything. She ended our marriage at least 3 times that night. But in the end, we decided we loved each other enough to at least try, for fuck's sake. And luckily, for whatever reason, I discovered more straightness in me that I would have thought existed.

    I think that is the part that is suspect in most people's minds--all of a sudden I'm just into straight sex? Well, first of all, it's not like I've NEVER enjoyed it. It's just that I allowed my fears to overtake my ability to just BE in the moment with her and enjoy it. So, now that I've faced those fears, I can do that, not only again, but better than ever...which in turn has heightened our desire for each other.

    So like I've said on my blog--I can't see the future, but I can see what I have right here and right now. I see no reason to just throw it away. If things change, we have agreed to stay honest with each other.

    Thanks Cameron. You continue to be an amazing guy.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Sean, Been there ....done that..exact same scenario ......call me in three years & we'll see how you're doing then...good luck.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Nick that was MOST innappropriate. MOST! You failed at your commitments, why you would wish that on anyone else is beyond me?

    ReplyDelete
  9. Yes Nick, I'll be sure to let you know. I'm sure I'll end up exactly like you, since everyone's life experiences are identical. o_O

    Look, like I keep saying, I can't see the fucking future. I've personally known couples that have split up over way less than the shit I/we deal with. The bottom line, however, is that we love each other, we get along great, we have a good sex life, we are both there for our kids every day...why should we just throw all this away? If it eventually doesn't work out, we will at least know we tried, and know the depth of love we DO have for each other.

    I'm sorry that things didn't work out in your situation, truly. And I'm aware of the abysmal statistics of marriages like mine.

    But this is my road, and I alone can walk it.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Sean, Sorry I'm a tad blunt, I mean nothing judgmental by it (I typically warn people up front about my bluntness). I took the opportunity to read a little on your blog before commenting further.

    I know all to well the juggling act you're playing in your mind. I'm impressed you've been so open with your wife, the new BFF & this blog to help you deal with your sexuality. It's one of the cornerstone's of my comments, that each of us dealing with mixed orientation marriages needs to seek help, as going-it-alone will keep you bordering on suicidal.

    Our situation is just another unique variation within the LGBTQ collective we get thrown into & the life styles we live are just as unique. Typically they are frowned upon, made fun or or even vehemently opposed. So finding support, help & acceptance is very difficult & then figuring out what to do is just as complex.

    You do whatever works for you & your family. However, just know that when you openly identify yourself as 80% attracted to men & you continually struggle to keep those feeling in-check, you are trying to cage a huge core aspect of your identity. Something that affects every aspect of your mental being and health. The openness you now feel from having let part of this secret out, is very much what I'm talking about - the freedom "you" gain by others accepting your true identity is incredibly up lifting. Keep doing this, no matter where it takes you in life. We all do only have one life to live, with no "do over's". Make it count for all involved, knowing of course that the truth for all involved is hard to handle.

    BTW, things did work out in my situation, my wife is still my best friend, but would not take me back as her husband. We've crafted a new family relationship for all involved, that included divorce. But we are still very much a family, hang out, vacation, parent & work together.

    Nick, Fort Wayne, IN

    ReplyDelete
  11. Wow Nick, that's awesome. If things eventually don't work out for us, I would hope things work out as well as they have for you and your family.

    I don't know how things will end up. There are days still that I'm full of angst and worry and self-doubt. But at this point, I'm generally happy with where I'm at.

    Here's hoping...

    ReplyDelete