Thursday, November 8, 2012

"How is sex with men more exciting than sex with me?"

A few days ago a woman asked for my opinion about her bisexual boyfriend's desire to hook-up with other men.  Because I'm definitely more attracted to men than women, I thought she (and other women) would benefit by hearing responses from a variety of men.  Please read what she said and then take a minute to answer her questions in the comment box below.  Thank you!
I am a very open-minded bisexual woman. Sexually I am very experienced and really enjoy swinging with my boyfriend and couples. 
My boyfriend is also bisexual.  He often goes to a nearby park to have sex with other men. They meet each other in the bushes and play. I encourage him to be himself, because I believe that is the only way to have a true, loving relationship with another person. My boyfriend tells me about it and says that it's just an urge he has sometimes and it has nothing to do with our relationship.

He is usually a bottom with men in these situations and he tells me that he is usually just sucking cock and jerking off. He says is is always safe and can be there for 3 or 4 hours and cum multiple times.

I've done a lot of searching on the web to find some advice on how to handle my feelings about this. On one hand I am so glad that he shares this with me and feels free to talk to me about anything.
On the other hand, I feel like he is going out to get something he can get at home. I also don't understand what is so exciting about going to a park and sucking many guys' cocks. Also, I can't compete with them, I don't have a cock, so I feel like there is some way I can't satisfy him. He tells me that I am the best and most exciting sex partner he's ever had, but still insists on going to the cruising spot.

I understand that men and women think differently about sex. I found something today, written by a bisexual man, that came closer to explaining it better than I've ever heard before: "I still remember what was in my head as I made dates to meet men. I remember what it's like to enjoy raw masculine sex. I know the mindset. I know how to handle the guilt. And most importantly, when the connection was good I felt like a much more complete man."

I would have loved if this guy had said more about this, but he didn't, so now I have unanswered questions for you:

How is sex with men different than sex with women?
How is sex with men more exciting than sex with me?
Why can't he cum that many times with me? We have sex a max of 2x a day.
Can anyone explain more about the 'mindset'?
Is he addicted to this behavior?
Will he ever stop?
How should I feel about it? I want to be accepting, but emotionally it hurts.

I'd appreciate any real advice especially from straight men that do this sort of thing. I don't judge and would love to get your input.



  1. advice especially from straight men that do this sort of str8 men don't have sex with men,only women ...only gay and desperate wannabe str8,gay guys have sex with men.

  2. If your boyfriend is having anonymous gay sex with multiple partners in park he is not only engaging in risky behavior, he is engaging in it with the riskiest subset of an already risky population. And while some folks like the occasional walk on the wild side, if he's doing this regularly I would bet my car that he's got an addiction. This is not okay and you are taking an enormous risk if you are having sex with him. Protected or unprotected. It's called "safer" sex for a reason. Condoms are NOT 100% foolproof against disease. I hate to be a downer but this guy has issues and you need to be careful

  3. I think the answer is really simple. The guy told her ...that he is usually just sucking cock and jerking off. Simply put, she doesn't have a penis.

    I frankly frown on the idea of spending hours in a park (or reststop, or mall men's room), but if she can live with the risk he is taking for her, so be it. She can provide him with the most wonderful sex life ever, but if he occasionally needs the feel of a penis in his mouth, she can't offer that.

    Perhaps, since she is open to swinging, she should encourage MFM situations where he can routinely get the action he needs but with a partner that they both choose and can feel safer with. In my own life, I'd give anything for my wife to bring home a male friend and say, "He is for both of us!"

  4. I'm wondering just how "bi" her bisexual boyfriend actually is. To me his actions reads 'gay'. What really sparked this idea, was her comment about how many times he wants sex from her, but can and does come many times in a few hours with guys. I think he just cant deal with not have m/m sex, and it explodes into hours spent at the park. Orientation can and does morph over time, especially as we age into adulthood.

    My advice? Talk to him! And yeah, his activities could be endangering your health and life. Get him tested, and make sure he shows you the test results.

  5. My perspective is somewhat different. I would like to experiment sexually with guys, but I am married, so I don't. If your boyfriend isn't doing any anal sex in the part, that's good. However, it's possible to pick up STDs orally. Regardless, I want no part of that... not only for myself, but it would kill me to bring it home and inflict any such thing on my wife. End of story.

    Theoretically we are human beings endowed with a measure of self-control, not rutting animals. I understand how your boyfriend feels, but I would also encourage him to discipline his feelings so as to achieve the more desirable result of a relationship that you find fulfilling. Love begets love, so if you're happy, he'll be happier.

    Further, whatever interest I have in gay sex would disappear if my wife were willing to make love twice a day, or even once a day. I think your boyfriend is very lucky that you are as understanding as you are, but I also think that you are too understanding for your own good. If he's not willing to take some marriage vows with you, and do so seriously, you should dump him and find a man with whom you can have children.

  6. It is one thing to allow your boyfriend the freedom and understanding to have a male "friend" but something else entirely for him to feel the need to "connect" with other men in this way....This isn't a moral judgement but a practical consideration. You need to examine where you see/hope this relationship going. Are you hoping for marriage and children? If you are, I'd think long and hard about his suitability for this type of "conventional" relationship.

    All value judgement's aside: the police in most communities due "sweeps" through parks and other public places like restrooms and such trying to discourage behavior such as this..It is after all illegal. Can you imagine having your children's father arrested in such a sweep? What goes on behind closed doors in privacy is between a couple and their partners. What goes in in public places that all citizens should be free to enjoy is something else entirely. Having the father of your children arrested and a registered sex offender (which is exactly what would happen) is another kettle of fish.

    As others have mentioned here, your safety needs to be a consideration also. You say he mainly sucks cock and jacks off but you also say he's a "bottom" in these situations so I'm assuming that anal sex is happening also. How can he be certain that he's "safe" in these situations...a dark park, multiple anonymous partners who are just by virtue of where and how they do this are by definition into riskier pursuits. If one of these guys decides to "forget" a condom how would your boyfriend even know?

    A last observation is that it's been my experience that men (less so women) tend to move farther along the continuum towards fully gay as they age. I think the reasons for this are many but the end result is still the same. After being with this guy and perhaps losing out on the chance for a more suitable match he will in all probability become less and less satisfied by women and will increasingly need the majority, if not all, of his sexual gratification to come from men. Where will that leave you at 40 or 45 or 50? Something to seriously consider.....

  7. This is a bizarre story. What woman would keep a guy who "often goes to a local park to have sex with other men"? She did say that be was bi also, so maybe by allowing this behavior she is leaving the door open to do something crazy herself. If he had one or two fuck buds on the side for private, safe sex I could probably understand....but allowing this situation is ridiculous.

  8. Having an occasional urge is one thing, going to a park for hours at a time and having multiple partners is beyond being bisexual. This guy's actions are not attributable to his orientation. He has some issues and he needs professional counseling.

    Like everyone has said, his actions are putting you in serious danger. Do not believe his description of the encounters. Assume the worst case that he is having unprotected anal. While, I'm no professional counselor, based on my experience with another guy in the past, I would place money on him having been abused. If he won't quit and get help, my advice - Run, run far away!

  9. Like everyone has said, his actions are putting you in serious danger. Do not believe his description of the encounters. Assume the worst case that he is having unprotected anal.