Straight Guy Flirting with Me?? / Acquiring a Girl(!)friend (Bi / Gay Story - Part 10)

Two complications of staying in the closet:

1. What do you do when a straight guy (your friend's boyfriend!) seems to be flirting with you?

2.  How do you avoid getting pushed into a relationship with a girl by well-intentioned friends?

Fifteen: First time sex! So gay. (Bi / Gay Story - Part 9)

Here's the story of my first time:

Fifteen: "For a BJ Call..." (Bi / Gay Story - Part 8)

For many of us, internalized homophobia and self-hate are part and parcel of being gay.

They have ruined lives and caused hundreds of thousands of deaths, mostly by suicide.

I was 15 when my feeling of self-hate peaked, and like so many others, I was determined to kill myself.  Fortunately, I guess, I was such a pathetic loser that I didn't have the guts to actually do it.

Little did I know it at the time, but being pathetic at the key moment of a teenage, self-hating crisis turned out be the perfect vaccine for my internalized homophobia.  From that point onward, the potency of my self-hate faded.  I wasn't cured, nor will I ever be, but I was permanently inoculated from most of its harmful effects.  Lucky me!  (Seriously.)

This is good news for you too.  It means that instead of focusing inward, my story starts to involve others --- and that is where it begins to become less conventional.

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Once I understood that death wasn't an option, I grew hungry to understand what being gay actually meant.  My local library was an invaluable resource is that regard, and it's where this episode of my "Staying in the Closet Story" takes place...

Fifteen: The Only Reason I Didn't Hang Myself on Monday (Bi / Gay Story - Part 7)

At 15, I had a firm plan for how I was going to kill myself and the conviction to do it.

Unlike many others, however, I never actually made an attempt.  This teen-angsty video explains why.

Oh the drama of being a closeted, self-hating homosexual at 15!

The good news is that this video shows the closing minutes of that drama.

Much more interesting things lie ahead, like, sex for the first time.

Fifteen: Hanging myself at school (Bi / Gay Story - Part 6)

Looking back, this all seems very dramatic now.

But at the time, it was very real.

Part of being gay is dealing with self-hate.  In a way, the hate is a disease.   Mentally, you can try all kinds of tricks to help you cope but ultimately a "cure" comes from deep within.  A place outside of our own control.

My self-hate peaked in a do-or-die month when I was 15.  I feel fortunate to have dealt with it then.  I know many men are still struggling with it in their 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s and 70s.

Fear, motivated by self-hate and homophobia, is what keeps most men in the closet.  Although I wasn't fear-free by 16, the purge of self-hate at 15 laid the foundation for the rest of my unusual story.

Fifteen: Outed & Gay-Bashed at School (Bi / Gay Story - Part 5)

The worst part of being gay is the fear of how people would treat me if they knew.  Bad things happen to gays.

I secretly and anonymously reached out to Sean (Episode 4) but I was so nervous that I made a huge, potentially life changing mistake.  I will pay a big price for this.  Consequences will come, I'm just not sure when.

I'm very, very afraid of what will happen.

Fifteen: Sean, the Cute Freshman Soccer Player (Bi / Gay Story - Part 4)

At 13, a day after I admitted to myself I was gay, I decided the best way to cope with it was to NEVER tell anyone.

About 18 months later I started wondering who else at my high school might be keeping the same secret.  I couldn't be the only closeted guy there, could I?

I was determined to find others.  A friend, at least.

I focused on one (cute) guy in particular - and I had a full-proof plan to find out if he was gay - with absolutely no risk to myself.

Thirteen: How I Realized I Was Gay (Bi / Gay Story - Part 3)

Continuing on with this riveting series...

Here's how I figured out I was a homo, at the age of 13.

It's 7 months of periodic self-examination shoe-horned into 10 minutes.

There will no be Oscars awarded for writing, acting, directing, cinematography, editing or craft service here.

Even so, you're a nice guy, right?  Click on it and let it play until the end.  Then leave effusive comments begging for more.

The next two videos, for age 15, are much more eventful.

And, in response to a thoughtful anonymous comment asking why closeted videos are relevant today, I say this:

Although homophobia (in all forms) was a contributing factor for my decision to stay closeted, it really wasn't THE reason. 

And, now that homophobia is less of a societal factor, other reasons for staying in the closet become more relevant. 

Those reasons aren't being publicly discussed, which is why I'm putting myself out there.  I'm trying to get a conversation going.

Being closeted is a story people *think* they know, but in many ways they don't.

Twelve: First Wet Dream (Bi / Gay Story - Part 2)

Do you remember the first time you had a sexy dream?  I do.

It was unforgettable, for a few reasons.  Most importantly, it marks the exact moment when I began to worry that I was very different from my classmates.

Thanks, as always, for your support.  Please let the video play until the end.  This pleases the YouTube algorithm and puts the video one step above complete obscurity on the site.

Eleven: Discovering What a Penis Can Do (Bi / Gay Story - Part 1)

Here is the channel trailer.  Feel free to watch it over and over....and always until the end.

Below is the first episode.  It might seem a little stupid but, hey, I tried to recreate my 11yo self, what's the best that can be expected???

For this video (and all future posts), you'll want to watch it several thousand times, always through to the end.  Then you'll want to make a few dozen always-nice comments on YouTube, as well as give it a Thumbs Up from all your Google accounts.

I'm wondering if I hit a new low-point in life by creating and posting this series.  Wish me luck.

A Return to Blogging - Sort Of

Hello Old Friends!

It's been three years since I last posted anything.  I stopped writing for two reasons.  First, I didn't have much to say.  Second, the rise of video blogs on YouTube pretty much killed written blogs here.

But now I'm back.  And, ironically, YouTube is the reason.

After spending years watching many hundreds of coming out videos - and noticing how dramatically their tone has changed since 2010 - I got the itch to contribute my own story.

The thing about YouTube is that it is not the open platform it once was.  The algorithm that directs users to content strictly controls what is seen, thereby leaving users at the mercy the YouTube Gods.
I knew this in advance, yet I was determined to persevere.

Using a new Google account, I created a channel and uploaded some videos.  Very quickly I came to feel like a grain of sand on a very large beach.  My viewership expectations were pretty low but I figured, if I was still getting 500 page views here a month after not posting for years (probably 98% bots), it would be reasonable to get half of that on YouTube.  Nope!  800 views in 15 months.  Even the bots couldn't find me.

For most of those 15 months I didn't post anything new.  Why bother?  And for most of that time, the strong impulse I had to tell my story by video was sated.  But here I am...starting again.

I keep asking myself WHY....why do I want to post my story on YouTube?  Honestly, who really gives a shit about my messed-up life?

The answer: because YouTube is full of young people giving each other advice and, when it comes to relationships, they often don't know WTF they're talking about.  There isn't a lot of meaningful real-life content out there, especially stories that draw you in and develop over a long period of time.  Of course I might be delusional, but I believe there is an audience for what I have to share.  I just need the Blessing of the Algorithm to find it.

Which is where this old blog and the four of you who are real people come in.

My next post on this blog will be an embedded video from YouTube.  If you would be so kind as to go to YouTube, let the video play its full-length, watch it 100 or 1,000 times (always until the end), as well as comment multiple times and subscribe using both your and your dog's YouTube accounts, I would be grateful.

That said, please keep your expectations low for the quality of the content.  Very low.  Compare it to watching an 11 minute video of a young gay couple living together where one guy pranks his boyfriend by ignoring him for 45 minutes.  104,000+ views in 9 days for that one.  Can I do better?  Absolutely not.  But I'll still greatly appreciate your dog's subscription...and yours too.

I hope life has been good for you?  Let me know by commenting below on YouTube.