Fifteen: Hanging myself at school (Bi / Gay Story - Part 6)

Looking back, this all seems very dramatic now.

But at the time, it was very real.

Part of being gay is dealing with self-hate.  In a way, the hate is a disease.   Mentally, you can try all kinds of tricks to help you cope but ultimately a "cure" comes from deep within.  A place outside of our own control.

My self-hate peaked in a do-or-die month when I was 15.  I feel fortunate to have dealt with it then.  I know many men are still struggling with it in their 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s and 70s.

Fear, motivated by self-hate and homophobia, is what keeps most men in the closet.  Although I wasn't fear-free by 16, the purge of self-hate at 15 laid the foundation for the rest of my unusual story.

Fifteen: Outed & Gay-Bashed at School (Bi / Gay Story - Part 5)

The worst part of being gay is the fear of how people would treat me if they knew.  Bad things happen to gays.

I secretly and anonymously reached out to Sean (Episode 4) but I was so nervous that I made a huge, potentially life changing mistake.  I will pay a big price for this.  Consequences will come, I'm just not sure when.

I'm very, very afraid of what will happen.

Fifteen: Sean, the Cute Freshman Soccer Player (Bi / Gay Story - Part 4)

At 13, a day after I admitted to myself I was gay, I decided the best way to cope with it was to NEVER tell anyone.

About 18 months later I started wondering who else at my high school might be keeping the same secret.  I couldn't be the only closeted guy there, could I?

I was determined to find others.  A friend, at least.

I focused on one (cute) guy in particular - and I had a full-proof plan to find out if he was gay - with absolutely no risk to myself.